How many of us have tried online dating only to feel disappointment with the process? It’s not that it doesn’t work. It does. And each online relationship begins by having to sort through who wants to hookup, who doesn’t, and the basic getting to know you interview that mostly peters out after a few texts. Yet, apps are always there. Not everyone tries online dating. But, for those that do, we know how it can be used with benevolent and nefarious intent.
This is the first of a series of letters I’m sharing because I know the emotions that are coupled with not being in a couple. I know the desire to find my life partner only to come up short one swipe at at time. And I want you to know, you are not alone.
What if you could choose something different that reactive relationships? What if you could have healthy love? Would you know how to choose it?
Listen, most of us take time to arrive at a point in our lives where we feel truly free–limitless even. We have to fight through layers of old beliefs and opinions. Yet something inside of all of us knows that we are meant to have what belongs to us. We are meant to create, to love, to have friends, to travel, to have money, to have lots of money and to live free. We need more than an app for that.
We need true connection and that is what Breakup Rehab and Freedom Elite Counseling provide. If you’ve not signed up for your free consultation do so now.
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Yoga and Breakup
“Down dog! Sit! Stay! That’s how most of us feel about our thoughts and feelings after a breakup. We’d much rather lay on the sofa and look at yoga poses much less do them. But, here’s the thing, in order to be able to eat, sleep, and function like a sane human you have to “get on the mat”.
Before we talk about exactly what poses you need to do in order to get immediate relief from you breakup, I want to talk to you about yoga.
The west got it’s grips on yoga back in the 1920’s when Paramahansa Yogananda came to the US and founded the Self-realization Center, in Encinitas, California. Yoga wasn’t about “cute butts” and lululemon pants back then. And the type of yoga you will be doing to heal isn’t about that now either. It’s a spiritual path.
Yoga means to “yoke together” mind, body, and soul. The moment that yoga stops being just exercise and starts being the sum of your parts is when you have to bring dedicated attention to the details of the practice such as how you splay your fingers, the quality of your breath, the nuance of each movement from one pose to the next.
One focused sun salutation can take up to twenty-minutes if all the parts of the movement are slowed down and connected to fully. It removes us from the hurried pace of taking the magnificent animal that is our body for granted. Just ten seconds of uninterrupted attention shifts the chemistry of our body from reactive to receptive.
And for you to get through the fucking torment of your breakup you are going to need to be receptive. In fact, if you aren’t you will make false judgments and conclusions that result in dysfunctional behavior. I know the goddamn articles online talking to you about “loving yourself” or “using your breakup to become better.”
Listen, we all suck and we all are gods. You don’t need to “become better.” What is required now is awareness. That awareness will be curated and incorporated in your life though yoga. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you know about yoga because every time you practice that is a new experience that demands your full awareness.
So, the first thing I’m going to have you do is to breathe deep. This is the foundation of yoga—the breath.
Pranayama is the formal practice of controlling the breath, which is the source of our prana, or vital life force.
Begin with three-part breath.
- Sit up with an erect spine (I also laugh when I read the word erect).
- Roll your shoulders down and back opening up your chest a bit.
- Now inhale feeling your belly push out (The beer belly look on purpose).
- Then feel your ribs expand while your chest rises.
- This breath will drag along the back of your throat and through your sinus passages, which makes it sound a bit like waves.
- If you are confused watch this video I googled to do it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwFy62iU5uE
Okay, if you did this for even 3 minutes you can be done for the day and go back to your self-loathing. Or you can dive a little deeper and practice Maitri.
Maitri is a type of loving-kindness meditation. In fact you don’t even have to practice it right away. You can just take five minutes to watch Pema Chödrön explaining it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiLH6es4_d8
That can be enough for today as long as you commit to do this every day. You commit to practice attention to your breath and Maitri. I taught yoga for 3 years. So, if you want deeper guidance into the practice one pose at a time, one principal at a time, and one moment at a time please reach out to me to set up a consultation.
Also, I’ve requested various yoga studios and teachers leave their comments below so that you can choose a studio near you and use yoga to navigate your breakup.
I love you so much dear soul. You belong here. Your continued breath is proof of that. Tend to it and it will give you gifts you never thought were possible.
I also encourage you to join my email list so that you can get tips on how to use yoga to heal your breakup and many other amazing tools that provide you with immediate relief as well as the ability to turn your pain into power.
What is simple in the spiritual realms often translates as challenge in the physical plane.
As a psychic, medium, and channel I often receive messages like this when working with clients. The beauty is as I’m “reading” for someone else I’m also being informed.
I’ve heard it echoed in conversations that 2017 was a bitch of a year; one that many of us do not want to replicate in 2018. Of course no one year defines a life but rather casts light on the direction it is going.
My life has two different shades to it depending on the perspective. At first blush it’s been a life of freedoms and synchronicities. I’ve had the ability to travel the United States several times over. In fact, I’m on the precipice of moving my things into storage and living out of a van for the next three months while I go on tour to promote my book. Although, when it comes to being successful by conventional standards, I’ve continued to fall short. I currently am living off my credit card and have a very small nest egg. I’m not married. I don’t have children. I’m not part of a religious institution. I am not politically active.
Just today, after a night of tossing and turning from overdosing on caffeine, I woke and returned to the substance again. You see, transition often stirs emotions that require tending to. But, I’ve already spend a majority of 2017 in emotional paralysis; mostly because I didn’t slow down enough to become intimate with it. Rather I took the convenient route of eating my feelings, loathing my body, anesthetizing my torment with coffee and distracting my mind with social media.
I suffered through yet another breakup this year because rather than take the time to get to know the chap it took one hour to decide to say yes to “tea”, which turned out to mean sex. This resulted in bonding with someone who was ill equipped for a stable relationship that would grow into a lifetime of memories. Rather, it was built on the foundation of civility giving way to entropy. Simply, we bonded through sex but fell apart in every other form of communication. Therefore, true intimacy became impossible and, as such, the relationship transformed into a vapid hole of unfulfilled desire.
Then ache set in. This is the kind of pain one can only identify as abandonment. It extends beyond feeling separate or banished or even outcast. But, rather than address it or even be present enough for it to come into awareness I chose convenience over intimacy. The continued suppression that comes with distraction has its consequences.
As winter set in, even in sunny California, my life began to freeze. Money trickled in as past expenditures piled up. My bed was occupied by only my body but often times my soul would remain absent. I became an emotional contortionist and a bit of a character in the process. Further, in the darkness I was also tasked with being a beacon of light to my clients.
It was pure torture. My days and nights were full of torment. And if faith were a meal meant to satiate torment, that meal would be communion. The bread as the body of Christ. The wine as the blood. Not enough to fill one’s stomach but enough to cleanse one’s soul. A soul that had been suppressed by an obsession with comfort, stability, and convenience.
Often times a new choice is made available only after the suffering from redundancy becomes unbearable. My continued seeking for a husband, a perfect body, a full bank account, and a life of luxury removed me from the sacred space called intimacy; for everything I was seeking after was also coupled with a judgement that I was less than enough because I didn’t have that which I had judged as salvation.
There is nothing inherently wrong with beauty or an aesthetic predicated on luxury. There is nothing right about it either. Yet we often offer worship to transient idols that in return for our devotion curse us with the compulsion to rob ourselves of joy through comparison. In doing so, we diminish our capacity to receive grace and enter into an intimate space.
It would be natural to assume that choosing convenience corrupts the soul and that the alternative answer is to choose intimacy. What is inherent in this logic is the very notion that corrupts each of us, which is believing that life has an answer at all. Rather it is a string of experiences that turn into lessons that becomes stories and at times teachings.
That is to say, what is simple in the spiritual realm is complicated in the human experience because in the process of distillation of thought into form the ego seeks for convenience and efficiency over preparation and intimacy. So, the lesson here lies in how we choose.
Like DNA, 2017 will replicate in 2018 unless it is coded differently. Intimacy requires one to be of healthy mind, body, and spirit. In order to do this we must take the time to learn how to have intimate relationships not only with others but also with food, money, our bodies, and our spiritual practices. For example, an intimate relationship with money requires us to communicate clearly with it by keeping a ledger, choosing wise investments, cleaning up past expenditures, and engaging in ethical transactions. Just paying the bills is a relationship of convenience. Intimacy requires investment.
No matter the arena—finance, sex, health, wealth, abundance or spirituality that investment is that of time. And so, as we close out the chapters of our past and look towards the future once more we all have a choice to make—convenience or intimacy.
I’ve walked through fire and I know how to guide you back home. To truly change your life book a consultation now.
DISCERNMENT IN RELATIONSHIPS AND CONSCIOUS RELATING
If you feel like you are going to fall in love with someone, hold yourself back, keep your eyes open. This is a very important learning and very necessary for you to become mature and wise. To be swept along by impressions and infatuations, to allow yourself to be seduced by others, to be overtaken by beauty, wealth or charm is such a form of self-betrayal. It is such a dangerous involvement. It has such profoundly difficult and unfortunate consequences.
You have to be very careful here. Who you associate with and how you associate with them has all the bearing for your life and the kind of life you have and the opportunities you have. Likewise, do not become sexually engaged with anyone unless it represents a real partnership for you, for sexuality is a commitment by its very nature. You may think of it as a casual involvement, but emotionally it is never casual. Your relationship will never be the same. And if it cannot fulfill itself at a greater level, it will be disappointing, and that will generate resentment and failed expectations, disappointment.
You can not always just be a friend with someone who was once a lover, for you have crossed a threshold where you are pretending to be in a real relationship even though perhaps you never were. Sexuality is wonderful with the right person and damaging with the wrong person. Never treat this lightly. Never think of this as a casual, recreational kind of involvement. To your body it is the real thing. To your emotions it is serious because it is consequential.
Here you may have to hold yourself back and learn to restrain yourself, or you will give yourself away recklessly, hopelessly and cause great damage. And as a result, you will never know what is really true within yourself.
Read the full article Here
How many heart wrecks have you been in?
We often crash vehicles do to carelessness or accidents. But, how often do we crash our heart and cause our minds whip-lash? It takes time and dedicated healers to restore injuries from car-wrecks and heart-wrecks. Today we are going to focus on heart-wrecks.
A heart wreck is when you allow something or someone other than God to possess you—to be the central focus of your life. You see, God has a plan and path for our lives but often times through hubris we take detours and attempt short-cuts.
Assume that we allow someone or something to drive us around. We give up control to another flawed, broken, afraid human being and hand him or her the keys. Where do you think that will takes us? Down the road of being flawed, broken, and afraid. But, what if your heart—your engine—was fueled by more than connection with another human? What life could you live then?
Our hearts are like the engine of the vehicle that is our bodies and our brains are the transmission. We need both to work before there is movement. God is what fuels the heart. The relationship to our Higher-power or creator is the healing connection called salvation. People will come and go out of your life and you have no control over it. Physical death and the death of relationships have broken us all. We are all hurt, in pain, and hoping for salvation.
I’ve made the mistake of wishing that a man would rescue me. I have wished that I could go back to being a child whose parents managed the responsibilities of life. My heart has shut off and therefore cut off fuel to my body. Without fuel the transmission/mind cannot shift gears. It remains frozen.
Pain, sorrow, regret, fear, anger, jealousy, malice, revenge, and the lot cut us off from our source of fuel. We are crippled like an abandon car on the side of the road. All the other cars pass it by and eventually it gets towed and demolished. But, there is hope of restoration.
The 12 steps of CoDA and of Breakup Rehab restore our connection with our higher-power and put us back in the driver seat. We understand our well-being is the top priority and swiftly exit relationships that do not support us in our goals. The top priority in restoration is surrendering our lives to God or our Higher-Power.
Without this relationship all roads lead to a dead end. We can feel temporary happiness but joy everlasting comes from our relationship with God and surrendering to his guidance for our lives. We drive the path that has been paved just for us.
So, on this day, no matter what you are struggling with or where you are at in your breakup journey, know that there is a force bigger than you that cares for you and our well-being. God will bring you joy that you can never achieve when someone else is in the driver seat.
Join the Breakup Rehab prayer group, the book club, and the support group to develop your relationship with your higher-power and experience coming home.
The number one reason we breakup is because of a breakdown in communication. This is a big one and while there are little things we can do to improve our communication, that doesn’t always mean there is a quick fix.
The second major reason for a breakup is financial issues. If someone earns more money and hasn’t agreed to be as sugar daddy or sugar mama, then resentment can build up causing a split.
The third reason a breakup happens is because someone was unfaithful. FOMO and YOLO (fear of missing out & you only live once) can extubate a person’s drive to cheat. And the number one reason for the third reason we breakup is because under the motivation to cheat is the fear of not being enough.
The forth variable that a causes a breakup is someone has unrealistic expectations. A lot of us are taught to create lists of our ideal mates. A sense of humor tends to be on top of both men and women’s lists because we both need it to deal with a real relationship and not an ideal one. But, when someone has unrealistic expectations, they want their partner to be attune to them at all times and predict their needs like a mother would, then it often exhausts both people in the relationship, which is no laughing matter.
The fifth reason for a breakup is that there just isn’t enough chemistry to keep it interesting. Connection cannot be fabricated. It can be faked for a while because there are other redeeming qualities in one’s mate. But, “not feel’n it” is enough to end it.
In a word—education.
“Talk to me not at me.”
I’m a counselor and even with all the information I gained in graduate school, I still have a difficult time communicating my boundaries, wants, and needs to my partner. That being said, everything I have learned makes the fights shorter, more manageable, and turn conflict into an opportunity to grow.
So, if you withdraw during conflict, avoid discomfort, get angry quickly, or do any of the dumb behaviors us humans do when we perceive a real or imagined threat then there is a tool you can learn to fix communication issues. It is called Non-violent communication.
The essence of NVC is the phrase, “When you do this it makes me feel this.”
Once we learn to express our thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, we can then graduate to learning how to speak the language of money.
“Talk dollars and sense.”
If we are unwilling to keep a budget, do accounting, track our spending, and invest wisely, then we cannot speak the language of money well. Instead we will only talk about it in the terms of having it or spending it.
Financial issues are based in emotional issues. So, in order to fix a break down in the bank account, it is best to work with a financial and clinical professional that can help teach the skills needed and to address the underlying emotions.
Infidelity can also be solved with education in that we make agreements in relationship—some of them implicit and some overt. The simplest rule of thumb in a closed relationship or an open one is just don’t cheat. Don’t do it. Don’t violate the agreement.
But, humans are stupid sometimes and ruled by basic instincts. So, knowing how to transition a relationship from monogamous partnership to polyamorous relating is also a skill that can be learned. Further, managing the emotions of envy and jealousy in a relationship can also be learned by reading books such as the Ethical Slut or Dear Lover.
“I don’t ever want to grow up.”
Many of us carry the programing of, “If you loved me then you would just know how to make me happy.” The spoiled child inside of us, the neglected child, or something in-between carries with in it the fantasy of the perfect care-giver.
And we need to learn how to parent ourselves unlike our parents did. We need to be able to identify what patterns are functional in our lives and which ones perpetuate dysfunction. Learning how to tend to our inner-child is a life-long journey that requires a spiritual practice to master.
“Like peas and carrots again.”
Lastly, there is the issue of unbalanced chemistry in a relationship. Traditional Chinese Medicine treats the imbalance of life-force energy. That being said, chemistry is something we can’t learn. We either have it or we don’t. But, we can learn to not place a complete emphasis on our feelings as guides to whether to stay with someone or leave them.
Instead, we need to find a balance between our logic and our emotions. Working with a TCM practitioner is a good way to bring harmony to the body and soul. And a TCM practitioner can be a good mentor guiding their patient to choose foods, movements, and meditations that are unique to their disposition.
So, to review the tools needed to help us navigate the narrow shores of staying in a relationship or getting out of it are: Non-violent communication, a financial and emotional counselor, researching books on the topic of closed and open relationships, making a spiritual practice a habit, and working with a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner.
A relationship is like a recipe. It needs the right ingredients to come out well. The key ingredient in creating a healthy relationship is making sure each person is invested in educating themselves about the issues.
After five years working with couples and individuals who are going through breakups, the best advice I can give is don’t wait on the other person to teach you what you need to know. Be proactive. Be compassionate. And the breakdowns that lead to breakups can then transform into breakthroughs.
Oh, and having the right instructor helps as well!
When we are single it is common to be provoked by loneliness as it whispers in your year, “You are unlovable”.
Of course the solution seems to be, “Just get in a relationship and it will all work out.” But, then there is the issue of finding, entering, and maintaining the “right” relationship for us.
To be clear, insecurities not only screw up romantic relationships but also screw up the one relationship we are guaranteed to have our whole life—the one with our Self. We get bored of being “in something” too long. So, when single for lengthy periods of time—certain insecurities find a way into our psyches in the form of questions that are laced with a certain urgency.
When will I meet “my person”?
How do I lose weight?
How do a I gain muscle?
How do I make more money (so I will be more attractive)
How can I be sexually desirable?
I wonder what my ex is up to?
What am I doing with my life?
And the daunting question that grips us all from time to time is, “Who am I?” Insecurities would have you believe you are too much, not enough, not lovable, ugly, lame, stupid, small, insignificant, and basically worthless.
The insecurities that give rise to these questions mess up your relationship with your Self because built into every insecurity is a prompting to seek external validation. Insecurities are all the areas we are cut off from feeling whole. We can’t access our Self. So, when we can’t stand to be with our Self we often choose events, objects, and relationships that perpetuate our disembodiment.
Nowhere is the impact of insecurities more noticeable than when in romantic partnership. When dating, a whole other set of questions arise from our insecurities.
Can I be with someone better?
Do the really like me?
Are they cheating on me?
Are they going to leave?
What can I do to make my partner stay?
How to I be more attractive to my partner (so they won’t leave me)?
Is my partner a narcissist or has some mental disorder (because they don’t get me)?
I’ve heard it said that perfection doesn’t have company. This means that when in relationship it is easy to think that if your partner could change in some way that would make him or her closer to your ideal then life would just be peachy. This will screw you up because no partner is perfect. Therefore, those who seek for perfection can expect to be lonely. And most of us run after perfection to cope with our insecurities.
It has also been said that intelligent people have the most sophisticated coping mechanisms and therefore blind spots. We simply can’t see how our insecurities are screwing up our relationship. We want to be loved for all of who we are but we can’t love who we all are. We are selective and divisive and afraid. We’d like to that we know what we are dong—but we don’t. And insecurities seek for answers when in reality life is just one long question.
So, how do you know if insecurities are messing up your relationship?
The simple measure that can be used to answer if insecurities are screwing up your relationships—single or dating or married or some fluid thing—is to ask yourself, “Am I at peace?” “Does this thought bring me peace?’ “If I look back on today from the vantage point of a year from now, will this action that seems so important to take bring me peace?”
It is so easy to be motivated by money, lust, greed, gluttony, pride, entitlement, and to forget that the greatest riches we can experience come to us through relationships. Insecurities have us focus on what is wrong, bad, or rotten in our lives. We become reactive.
So, the next time you feel urgent to stop being single, ask, “Will this bring me peace?” The next time you want to criticize your partner or you begin to judge them as wrong ask, “Does this bring me peace?” The peace that passes understanding allows insecurities the space to expand until they dissolve.
So, if you find that insecurities are screwing up your relationships, take a breath, take inventory, give yourself some space and time, and make a choice to be at peace.
I imagine a situation where the blue light of the computer is filling a dimly lit room, there has been a somewhat frantic internet search happening for the last hour, and nothing particular has shifted, yet a sense of groundlessness has taken hold.
We do this. We feel lonely. And much like some physical anomaly we would look up on WebMD; we turn to the web to try and help us untangle our mixed emotions.
If the search for answers has been fueled by the question, “How do I find my person?” there are normally some significant variables involved. For instance, we can date pretty good people, average people, and sometimes just use people as substitutes like we use sweets for “nutritional” purposes. And in the instant we realize that there could be someone better “out there” we go searching for, “How to find a better person than the person who I am with; who is actually just filling a gap in my life because I’m lost and afraid to admit it or I just don’t have it in me to face my insecurities.”
There is a formula for that.
Sometimes our search for another person who will become your person has less to do with wanting a better relationship and more to do with just not wanting to be single any more. Once almost every show on Netflix has been watched, once the dating app world becomes redundant, and it’s too soon to be a crazy cat lady or lone wolf in the woods, it is next to impossible not to wonder, “Where is my person?”
There is a formula for that too.
I’m also aware of the people who had their person and are not wondering how to find them, but rather asking how the lost them. In this case, we can wonder, “How could my person find something new?
There is a formula for that as well.
We get hit hard when we are with not quite the right fit, lonely for too long, or had a good thing going only to watch it leave. No matter where we find ourselves on the dating spectrum the crux of the formula is to find ourselves.
- Be in the moment:
We want things we seemingly can’t have. Anticipation creates more pleasure in the body than satiation. So, the initial component of the three step formula for finding your person is to learn how to let the moment fill us—how to become ripe with pleasure and embolden by pain.
We want life to be reliable but not too predictable. So, we keep busy. If we are to let the moment fill us we cannot “Wear busyness as a badge” as Brene Brown says.
A full breath must be reveled in. We are still breathing. About half the portion of food that we ingest can fill us if we pause for two seconds with each bite and taste the bounty of flavor in something as simple as a ripe strawberry. Our muscles have a chance to sing out in celebration from a simple cat-like stretch as an acknowledgement for the unending work required of them.
Yes, each moment is full of miracles if only we can pause for two seconds—just enough time to notice them. Then another two seconds—just enough time to recognize the simple miracles unfolding. Then another two seconds—just enough time to appreciate the fullness of the moment. Then another two seconds—just enough time to mourn the moments passing and be filled up by the cycle of birth and death in a matter of seconds.
Simply, when searching for our person, be mindful of all the moments on the journey to the destination.
2. Take the Journey
This initial part of the three step formula can take a life-time to master. So, the concurrent initiative is to enjoy the journey. The formula isn’t one that goes in order. It runs parallel. It intersects with conflicting desires. It is in the foreground and background. And we forget all about it when we buy into the belief that finding our person will mean something. It doesn’t. It is just a part of the journey. We come across all sorts of people in our lives; each of them offers a unique contribution.
So, when we start to make our person significant we make them a destination and even an object. An object is something we can own—temporarily. Therefore, in addition to being drunk with the miracles that happen in the moment we also need to set each moment free by enjoying the journey.
3. Remember what matters.
Lastly, the third part of the formula echoes the first two parts in that, “Everything matters. Nothing matters.” Enjoy the moment or don’t. Sink into it or speed past it. Focus on the now or something else.
The truth is that in our search for a formula, a person, an object, or an experience is really the search for how we can become more of who we are. We long to be at home in our bodies while simultaneously defending against our bodies decay. And we often search to reconcile this disparity through “finding our person”.
Give up on finding your person.
We can still want to find them.
We get to feel our feelings and have our desires.
And the real formula is to be the person you want to be with in each moment, on the journey, and though the profound and trivial unfolding that is our lives.
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”
― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa
The fields of our lovemaking have yet to be harvested. I planted plenty of seeds, and seeds have been planted in me.
But none have borne fruit that ripened; rather, they have rotted inside a chasm called desire.
This has shown up in my every attempt at a relationship because, I suspect, my heart knew it was not you. You would never ask me to live in a moldy basement, to be shackled by debt because you lack vision, and you would never ask me to surrender the parts of me that make me whole.
I am and have always been whole. I am built this way.
But the men I’ve been with picked me apart like crows feasting on a carcass. I was a threat. We briefly weaved our lives together like a revolutionary flag to be burned by the very revolution it represented.
Some compare the feeling of loss after a shoddy lover leaves to a heart breaking. My heart has never broken fully. It just opened a little more to create room for you. But, the scars are there—burn marks from lovers who lied, for whom I overcompensated.
And I’ve often wondered why you haven’t done what was needed to find me sooner.
Where are you? Are you on a grand adventure? What preparations must be met for our meeting to coalesce? Don’t you want to have sex every day?
I’ve been told not to beg for you. I’ve been told prayers of beseechment are futile. And I must confess, I’m not doing a very good job of holding space for you. My mind gets cluttered with expectations of others and is in constant atonement when the man I meet isn’t you.
I’ve seen myself in the women who are past the time allotted to have a child. I’ve seen the question marks of failure on women’s faces that point to having to wait too long for a wish to be granted. Today, I feel like those women. The only distinction is my beliefs.
I believe if I ask for what I truly want, then I will experience it. So, I’m asking.
Lover of mine, find me. Don’t wait a moment longer. Come create with me. Let’s elevate our minds and our lives together. I’m exhausted from dumbing myself down so other men can catch up. Let’s hit the ground running. More than this, let’s wake up every day and choose each other.
I have created my life to be an invitation to those who want to peer into existence and see that they are the great and mighty Oz. I wish I could hear you calling to me, because I can’t stand all that is getting lost in translation.
I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of love being confused as a lesson. I’m tired of sex being an afterthought. I’m noticing a trend. I’m not sleeping beauty, though.
So my prayer is this: “Let’s wake up together.”
Come get me.
In America, we are raised on romance—the notion that there is a perfect “forever” for us.
Of course, this is a template that has been handed down through generations of traditions, stipulations, and dictations. A lot of us think that being in a relationship will elevate our status. If we date someone with money, who is hot, who has connections, who can support our dreams, or who, at the very least, will sooth loneliness, then we can feel good about our lives.
But, what happens when we get into a relationship that breaks us down instead of builds us up?
An event called cognitive dissonance, which is when our external reality does not match the internal imagery of who we think we are, can lead to us confusing love with abusive or demeaning behaviors from our partners. Furthermore, our internal world acts as a filter to external input. So, we often cannot see the subtle degradations that chip away at our well-being.
We will often choose oppression and suppression over separation from our investment. And, that’s what a relationship is—an investment of time, energy, and resources.
Things are even more complicated when we are married to dysfunction—that is to say, that the contribution of both parties involved in creating the relationship are infusing it with distorted communication. This results in a toxic, yet often addictive, environment.
It can feel like a cage. It can undermine self-esteem. We can be aware of the discomfort, but at a total loss on how to shift it. In fact, we can keep making choices that reinforce our perception of being trapped.
Some of us attempt leaving the situation only to be pulled back in. Some of us wall off and withdraw from our significant other as a form of punishment. Some of us try to change who we are so we can manipulate our partner. At times we are aware of how we are contributing to the chaos. But, most of the time we are reactionary, which is born from our survival instincts.
When life is constructed from the energy of survival our choices become limited to fight, flight, freeze, or using sex as a means of control. Relationships are formed by two people contributing to a third entity. It becomes the vehicle that both sets the trajectory for each person, and helps to map out how each person is to behave in order to keep the wheels from falling off.
In an almost automatic fashion, when troubles arise, one person may want to veer off the road, while the other one wants to push harder on the accelerator. Each person has a choice to approach or avoid the conflict that shows up by virtue of habits, belief systems, and systemic issues. Suffice to say, we often cling the tightest to the thing we need to let go of the most.
Ironically, the action we need to take may be the last thing we perceive as accessible.
If you want to experience freedom then the right thing to do is break up. Actually, it isn’t even the right thing to do, it will inevitably be the next thing that happens because the soul is not meant to be confined.
Our birthright is to live an expressed life. We are the keepers of our fate and the arbiters of our destiny. Relationships have many functions. They can be a classroom and teach us. They can be a museum and help us archive memories. They can be a theme park and thrill us. They can be a spiritual journey and elevate our consciousness. But, rarely, are they meant to be a prescription to quell the persecution inflicted by life’s challenges.
Furthermore, although it is touted as such, self-love is also not a prescription to living a happy life. So often we search for reconciliation of our discomfort through intellectual means. We seek to explain away pain and to justify our folly. But, none of this is necessary. Freedom is immediately accessible if you are willing to let go.
The mistake we make when approaching breakup from frenetic emotions or analysis is to believe we have failed in some way. This is simply not true. Freedom comes when you remember you have, and always have had, a choice in the matter.
Living life as if it should have a defined outcome will ruin it. Don’t plan on forever with someone. Plan on spending your life having experiences that enrich your awareness of who you are and how you can use that to live your purpose.
Loving yourself simply means coming to full acceptance that you will be in a relationship with yourself for as long as your body lingers on this earth.
So, don’t think too hard on whether you can save your relationship or not. If you are asking that question, the answer is “No.”
Release it. Let go. Experience freedom and breakup.