The number one reason we breakup is because of a breakdown in communication. This is a big one and while there are little things we can do to improve our communication, that doesn’t always mean there is a quick fix.
The second major reason for a breakup is financial issues. If someone earns more money and hasn’t agreed to be as sugar daddy or sugar mama, then resentment can build up causing a split.
The third reason a breakup happens is because someone was unfaithful. FOMO and YOLO (fear of missing out & you only live once) can extubate a person’s drive to cheat. And the number one reason for the third reason we breakup is because under the motivation to cheat is the fear of not being enough.
The forth variable that a causes a breakup is someone has unrealistic expectations. A lot of us are taught to create lists of our ideal mates. A sense of humor tends to be on top of both men and women’s lists because we both need it to deal with a real relationship and not an ideal one. But, when someone has unrealistic expectations, they want their partner to be attune to them at all times and predict their needs like a mother would, then it often exhausts both people in the relationship, which is no laughing matter.
The fifth reason for a breakup is that there just isn’t enough chemistry to keep it interesting. Connection cannot be fabricated. It can be faked for a while because there are other redeeming qualities in one’s mate. But, “not feel’n it” is enough to end it.
In a word—education.
“Talk to me not at me.”
I’m a counselor and even with all the information I gained in graduate school, I still have a difficult time communicating my boundaries, wants, and needs to my partner. That being said, everything I have learned makes the fights shorter, more manageable, and turn conflict into an opportunity to grow.
So, if you withdraw during conflict, avoid discomfort, get angry quickly, or do any of the dumb behaviors us humans do when we perceive a real or imagined threat then there is a tool you can learn to fix communication issues. It is called Non-violent communication.
The essence of NVC is the phrase, “When you do this it makes me feel this.”
Once we learn to express our thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, we can then graduate to learning how to speak the language of money.
“Talk dollars and sense.”
If we are unwilling to keep a budget, do accounting, track our spending, and invest wisely, then we cannot speak the language of money well. Instead we will only talk about it in the terms of having it or spending it.
Financial issues are based in emotional issues. So, in order to fix a break down in the bank account, it is best to work with a financial and clinical professional that can help teach the skills needed and to address the underlying emotions.
Infidelity can also be solved with education in that we make agreements in relationship—some of them implicit and some overt. The simplest rule of thumb in a closed relationship or an open one is just don’t cheat. Don’t do it. Don’t violate the agreement.
But, humans are stupid sometimes and ruled by basic instincts. So, knowing how to transition a relationship from monogamous partnership to polyamorous relating is also a skill that can be learned. Further, managing the emotions of envy and jealousy in a relationship can also be learned by reading books such as the Ethical Slut or Dear Lover.
“I don’t ever want to grow up.”
Many of us carry the programing of, “If you loved me then you would just know how to make me happy.” The spoiled child inside of us, the neglected child, or something in-between carries with in it the fantasy of the perfect care-giver.
And we need to learn how to parent ourselves unlike our parents did. We need to be able to identify what patterns are functional in our lives and which ones perpetuate dysfunction. Learning how to tend to our inner-child is a life-long journey that requires a spiritual practice to master.
“Like peas and carrots again.”
Lastly, there is the issue of unbalanced chemistry in a relationship. Traditional Chinese Medicine treats the imbalance of life-force energy. That being said, chemistry is something we can’t learn. We either have it or we don’t. But, we can learn to not place a complete emphasis on our feelings as guides to whether to stay with someone or leave them.
Instead, we need to find a balance between our logic and our emotions. Working with a TCM practitioner is a good way to bring harmony to the body and soul. And a TCM practitioner can be a good mentor guiding their patient to choose foods, movements, and meditations that are unique to their disposition.
So, to review the tools needed to help us navigate the narrow shores of staying in a relationship or getting out of it are: Non-violent communication, a financial and emotional counselor, researching books on the topic of closed and open relationships, making a spiritual practice a habit, and working with a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner.
A relationship is like a recipe. It needs the right ingredients to come out well. The key ingredient in creating a healthy relationship is making sure each person is invested in educating themselves about the issues.
After five years working with couples and individuals who are going through breakups, the best advice I can give is don’t wait on the other person to teach you what you need to know. Be proactive. Be compassionate. And the breakdowns that lead to breakups can then transform into breakthroughs.
Oh, and having the right instructor helps as well!
When we are single it is common to be provoked by loneliness as it whispers in your year, “You are unlovable”.
Of course the solution seems to be, “Just get in a relationship and it will all work out.” But, then there is the issue of finding, entering, and maintaining the “right” relationship for us.
To be clear, insecurities not only screw up romantic relationships but also screw up the one relationship we are guaranteed to have our whole life—the one with our Self. We get bored of being “in something” too long. So, when single for lengthy periods of time—certain insecurities find a way into our psyches in the form of questions that are laced with a certain urgency.
When will I meet “my person”?
How do I lose weight?
How do a I gain muscle?
How do I make more money (so I will be more attractive)
How can I be sexually desirable?
I wonder what my ex is up to?
What am I doing with my life?
And the daunting question that grips us all from time to time is, “Who am I?” Insecurities would have you believe you are too much, not enough, not lovable, ugly, lame, stupid, small, insignificant, and basically worthless.
The insecurities that give rise to these questions mess up your relationship with your Self because built into every insecurity is a prompting to seek external validation. Insecurities are all the areas we are cut off from feeling whole. We can’t access our Self. So, when we can’t stand to be with our Self we often choose events, objects, and relationships that perpetuate our disembodiment.
Nowhere is the impact of insecurities more noticeable than when in romantic partnership. When dating, a whole other set of questions arise from our insecurities.
Can I be with someone better?
Do the really like me?
Are they cheating on me?
Are they going to leave?
What can I do to make my partner stay?
How to I be more attractive to my partner (so they won’t leave me)?
Is my partner a narcissist or has some mental disorder (because they don’t get me)?
I’ve heard it said that perfection doesn’t have company. This means that when in relationship it is easy to think that if your partner could change in some way that would make him or her closer to your ideal then life would just be peachy. This will screw you up because no partner is perfect. Therefore, those who seek for perfection can expect to be lonely. And most of us run after perfection to cope with our insecurities.
It has also been said that intelligent people have the most sophisticated coping mechanisms and therefore blind spots. We simply can’t see how our insecurities are screwing up our relationship. We want to be loved for all of who we are but we can’t love who we all are. We are selective and divisive and afraid. We’d like to that we know what we are dong—but we don’t. And insecurities seek for answers when in reality life is just one long question.
So, how do you know if insecurities are messing up your relationship?
The simple measure that can be used to answer if insecurities are screwing up your relationships—single or dating or married or some fluid thing—is to ask yourself, “Am I at peace?” “Does this thought bring me peace?’ “If I look back on today from the vantage point of a year from now, will this action that seems so important to take bring me peace?”
It is so easy to be motivated by money, lust, greed, gluttony, pride, entitlement, and to forget that the greatest riches we can experience come to us through relationships. Insecurities have us focus on what is wrong, bad, or rotten in our lives. We become reactive.
So, the next time you feel urgent to stop being single, ask, “Will this bring me peace?” The next time you want to criticize your partner or you begin to judge them as wrong ask, “Does this bring me peace?” The peace that passes understanding allows insecurities the space to expand until they dissolve.
So, if you find that insecurities are screwing up your relationships, take a breath, take inventory, give yourself some space and time, and make a choice to be at peace.
I imagine a situation where the blue light of the computer is filling a dimly lit room, there has been a somewhat frantic internet search happening for the last hour, and nothing particular has shifted, yet a sense of groundlessness has taken hold.
We do this. We feel lonely. And much like some physical anomaly we would look up on WebMD; we turn to the web to try and help us untangle our mixed emotions.
If the search for answers has been fueled by the question, “How do I find my person?” there are normally some significant variables involved. For instance, we can date pretty good people, average people, and sometimes just use people as substitutes like we use sweets for “nutritional” purposes. And in the instant we realize that there could be someone better “out there” we go searching for, “How to find a better person than the person who I am with; who is actually just filling a gap in my life because I’m lost and afraid to admit it or I just don’t have it in me to face my insecurities.”
There is a formula for that.
Sometimes our search for another person who will become your person has less to do with wanting a better relationship and more to do with just not wanting to be single any more. Once almost every show on Netflix has been watched, once the dating app world becomes redundant, and it’s too soon to be a crazy cat lady or lone wolf in the woods, it is next to impossible not to wonder, “Where is my person?”
There is a formula for that too.
I’m also aware of the people who had their person and are not wondering how to find them, but rather asking how the lost them. In this case, we can wonder, “How could my person find something new?
There is a formula for that as well.
We get hit hard when we are with not quite the right fit, lonely for too long, or had a good thing going only to watch it leave. No matter where we find ourselves on the dating spectrum the crux of the formula is to find ourselves.
- Be in the moment:
We want things we seemingly can’t have. Anticipation creates more pleasure in the body than satiation. So, the initial component of the three step formula for finding your person is to learn how to let the moment fill us—how to become ripe with pleasure and embolden by pain.
We want life to be reliable but not too predictable. So, we keep busy. If we are to let the moment fill us we cannot “Wear busyness as a badge” as Brene Brown says.
A full breath must be reveled in. We are still breathing. About half the portion of food that we ingest can fill us if we pause for two seconds with each bite and taste the bounty of flavor in something as simple as a ripe strawberry. Our muscles have a chance to sing out in celebration from a simple cat-like stretch as an acknowledgement for the unending work required of them.
Yes, each moment is full of miracles if only we can pause for two seconds—just enough time to notice them. Then another two seconds—just enough time to recognize the simple miracles unfolding. Then another two seconds—just enough time to appreciate the fullness of the moment. Then another two seconds—just enough time to mourn the moments passing and be filled up by the cycle of birth and death in a matter of seconds.
Simply, when searching for our person, be mindful of all the moments on the journey to the destination.
2. Take the Journey
This initial part of the three step formula can take a life-time to master. So, the concurrent initiative is to enjoy the journey. The formula isn’t one that goes in order. It runs parallel. It intersects with conflicting desires. It is in the foreground and background. And we forget all about it when we buy into the belief that finding our person will mean something. It doesn’t. It is just a part of the journey. We come across all sorts of people in our lives; each of them offers a unique contribution.
So, when we start to make our person significant we make them a destination and even an object. An object is something we can own—temporarily. Therefore, in addition to being drunk with the miracles that happen in the moment we also need to set each moment free by enjoying the journey.
3. Remember what matters.
Lastly, the third part of the formula echoes the first two parts in that, “Everything matters. Nothing matters.” Enjoy the moment or don’t. Sink into it or speed past it. Focus on the now or something else.
The truth is that in our search for a formula, a person, an object, or an experience is really the search for how we can become more of who we are. We long to be at home in our bodies while simultaneously defending against our bodies decay. And we often search to reconcile this disparity through “finding our person”.
Give up on finding your person.
We can still want to find them.
We get to feel our feelings and have our desires.
And the real formula is to be the person you want to be with in each moment, on the journey, and though the profound and trivial unfolding that is our lives.
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”
― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa
The fields of our lovemaking have yet to be harvested. I planted plenty of seeds, and seeds have been planted in me.
But none have borne fruit that ripened; rather, they have rotted inside a chasm called desire.
This has shown up in my every attempt at a relationship because, I suspect, my heart knew it was not you. You would never ask me to live in a moldy basement, to be shackled by debt because you lack vision, and you would never ask me to surrender the parts of me that make me whole.
I am and have always been whole. I am built this way.
But the men I’ve been with picked me apart like crows feasting on a carcass. I was a threat. We briefly weaved our lives together like a revolutionary flag to be burned by the very revolution it represented.
Some compare the feeling of loss after a shoddy lover leaves to a heart breaking. My heart has never broken fully. It just opened a little more to create room for you. But, the scars are there—burn marks from lovers who lied, for whom I overcompensated.
And I’ve often wondered why you haven’t done what was needed to find me sooner.
Where are you? Are you on a grand adventure? What preparations must be met for our meeting to coalesce? Don’t you want to have sex every day?
I’ve been told not to beg for you. I’ve been told prayers of beseechment are futile. And I must confess, I’m not doing a very good job of holding space for you. My mind gets cluttered with expectations of others and is in constant atonement when the man I meet isn’t you.
I’ve seen myself in the women who are past the time allotted to have a child. I’ve seen the question marks of failure on women’s faces that point to having to wait too long for a wish to be granted. Today, I feel like those women. The only distinction is my beliefs.
I believe if I ask for what I truly want, then I will experience it. So, I’m asking.
Lover of mine, find me. Don’t wait a moment longer. Come create with me. Let’s elevate our minds and our lives together. I’m exhausted from dumbing myself down so other men can catch up. Let’s hit the ground running. More than this, let’s wake up every day and choose each other.
I have created my life to be an invitation to those who want to peer into existence and see that they are the great and mighty Oz. I wish I could hear you calling to me, because I can’t stand all that is getting lost in translation.
I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of love being confused as a lesson. I’m tired of sex being an afterthought. I’m noticing a trend. I’m not sleeping beauty, though.
So my prayer is this: “Let’s wake up together.”
Come get me.
In America, we are raised on romance—the notion that there is a perfect “forever” for us.
Of course, this is a template that has been handed down through generations of traditions, stipulations, and dictations. A lot of us think that being in a relationship will elevate our status. If we date someone with money, who is hot, who has connections, who can support our dreams, or who, at the very least, will sooth loneliness, then we can feel good about our lives.
But, what happens when we get into a relationship that breaks us down instead of builds us up?
An event called cognitive dissonance, which is when our external reality does not match the internal imagery of who we think we are, can lead to us confusing love with abusive or demeaning behaviors from our partners. Furthermore, our internal world acts as a filter to external input. So, we often cannot see the subtle degradations that chip away at our well-being.
We will often choose oppression and suppression over separation from our investment. And, that’s what a relationship is—an investment of time, energy, and resources.
Things are even more complicated when we are married to dysfunction—that is to say, that the contribution of both parties involved in creating the relationship are infusing it with distorted communication. This results in a toxic, yet often addictive, environment.
It can feel like a cage. It can undermine self-esteem. We can be aware of the discomfort, but at a total loss on how to shift it. In fact, we can keep making choices that reinforce our perception of being trapped.
Some of us attempt leaving the situation only to be pulled back in. Some of us wall off and withdraw from our significant other as a form of punishment. Some of us try to change who we are so we can manipulate our partner. At times we are aware of how we are contributing to the chaos. But, most of the time we are reactionary, which is born from our survival instincts.
When life is constructed from the energy of survival our choices become limited to fight, flight, freeze, or using sex as a means of control. Relationships are formed by two people contributing to a third entity. It becomes the vehicle that both sets the trajectory for each person, and helps to map out how each person is to behave in order to keep the wheels from falling off.
In an almost automatic fashion, when troubles arise, one person may want to veer off the road, while the other one wants to push harder on the accelerator. Each person has a choice to approach or avoid the conflict that shows up by virtue of habits, belief systems, and systemic issues. Suffice to say, we often cling the tightest to the thing we need to let go of the most.
Ironically, the action we need to take may be the last thing we perceive as accessible.
If you want to experience freedom then the right thing to do is break up. Actually, it isn’t even the right thing to do, it will inevitably be the next thing that happens because the soul is not meant to be confined.
Our birthright is to live an expressed life. We are the keepers of our fate and the arbiters of our destiny. Relationships have many functions. They can be a classroom and teach us. They can be a museum and help us archive memories. They can be a theme park and thrill us. They can be a spiritual journey and elevate our consciousness. But, rarely, are they meant to be a prescription to quell the persecution inflicted by life’s challenges.
Furthermore, although it is touted as such, self-love is also not a prescription to living a happy life. So often we search for reconciliation of our discomfort through intellectual means. We seek to explain away pain and to justify our folly. But, none of this is necessary. Freedom is immediately accessible if you are willing to let go.
The mistake we make when approaching breakup from frenetic emotions or analysis is to believe we have failed in some way. This is simply not true. Freedom comes when you remember you have, and always have had, a choice in the matter.
Living life as if it should have a defined outcome will ruin it. Don’t plan on forever with someone. Plan on spending your life having experiences that enrich your awareness of who you are and how you can use that to live your purpose.
Loving yourself simply means coming to full acceptance that you will be in a relationship with yourself for as long as your body lingers on this earth.
So, don’t think too hard on whether you can save your relationship or not. If you are asking that question, the answer is “No.”
Release it. Let go. Experience freedom and breakup.
The grand continent of North America is filled with lone wolves.
Life delegates the business of creation to them, and they diligently leverage their surroundings for survival. The full moon represents the richness of emotion that the wolf pack of one feels.
Where the “lions” of the world feel pride, the lone wolf can only release the tenderness of loneliness through a howl—a long drawn out moan that often comes as no more than a sigh once the dawn breaks.
I understand this all too well, because I am a lone wolf who often wakes up lonely. It’s as if dawn’s break has stopped being a promise for a new day and has become more of a reminder that I bear the responsibilities of life in seclusion.
As a lone wolf, I will share this sentiment with others, but someone who isn’t a wolf will often offer the “solution” of “enjoy being alone.”
Being a wolf holds a special kind of meaning in Native American culture. According to my Spirit Animal Totem Tarot card deck, wolf means intelligence and keen instinct, and wolf is challenged by distrust in self and others. The companion book to my Spirit Animal deck goes on to say, “The wolf is the pathfinder, the forerunner of new ideas who returns to the clan to teach and share medicine.”
So, the first way to cope with being lonely is to view ourself as a wolf. In those moments of solitude, we’re collecting wisdom and medicine to share with the tribe. It has been said that, “Many hands make light work.” And that work gets initiated by the wolves of the world. The ones who learn to clear the clutter so that they can listen to Spirit and trust their guidance. Some call this instinct.
And if we are a lone wolf, the second way to cope is to trust that our instinct has kept us safe thus far—and that it will lead us home. We spend a lot of time making ourselves wrong for who we are. A wolf knows he is not a bear, a bunny or a hawk. Each animal plays its role in the world.
We are lonely. We can cope with it by owning who we are, where we are.
We can always create something different. Wolf packs are known to roam hundreds of miles. If we don’t like where we live, the job we have, the people we associate with, then we can pick somewhere else to be. “Wherever you go, there you are,” so the first place we need to choose to be is in a new belief system.
Loneliness is a judgement against the circumstances we chose long ago. It’s like buying something on credit and then having to pay it off later. So, like a wolf would do, we hunt and gather resources and pay what we can now. We eat what we hunted and if we have no food we hunt for more.
Loneliness is often coupled with entitled feelings like, “I shouldn’t have to hunt; I should just get what I want because I want it.”
All animals have to hunt.
So why are some animals at the top of the food chain while others have to scavenge?
Ask. Prayer and asking questions are the two most effective ways to cope with waking up lonely. Howl your anguish. Ask “Why?” Ask “How?” Ask “What will it take for me to fulfill my destiny?” Then pray prayers of thanks. Our giving of gratitude opens the doors of receiving in our hearts.
As you pray, set time aside to light candles and hold ceremony in your home or find a place in nature that you can be held by Father Sky and Mother Earth. All the creepy crawly things are your friends. Know that you are a vestal for Creator to be expressed. Your loneliness is signaling the need for a conversation. And prayer is that conversation.
If you don’t know how to pray, then simply journal your thoughts or take a moment to meditate.
Then stand at the precipice of the edge of your creations, gaze over the expanse with your keen eyesight, and envision that which you seek is seeking you. When you howl, you send a signal to your great love, to the experiences you are longing for, and to your great fortune to know where you are in the world. So lift your head, puff your chest, and howl.
Release loneliness and send the signal, “I’m here.”
Then trust your pack is coming for you!
What if each day of life only required one thing of us—to love it more than the last?
Worries would dissolve with the dawn. The hours of fretting would pass into a time that only children could recall in stories—tales of heroes, villains and well-worn aphorisms.
The taste of victory would linger, for on this day the exuberant acceptance of all that is bevels the edges of ambition just enough to allow for just a little more expansion.
How many of us live with such passion?
Without this kind of loving our days create vapid chasms. We supplant the invocation of our real selves with stuff, things and substances. The layers of addiction range from subtle to grotesque. In the absence of this kind of love, this kindness and graceful disposition, life becomes something to carve out. It scrapes our insides into caverns where no light shines besides the dimly lit intellect—the intersection of folly and hubris.
How many of us live lives of quiet desperation?
Some will try to build a bridge between their vapid existence and unrealized passion using bricks of comparison. This is hardly a bridge, but more of a disheveled pile—a weight. You see, passion is like the blue sky frosted with wispy clouds. It is like a bird who pecks away at a dead carcass in a busy intersection—a movement just before a car speeds by, the gesture of flapping its wings miraculously lifting it from earth to sky. Calamity is evaded.
Passion can wait until the last second to signal to its host, “It is time for action.” It can lay dormant for years under the weight of trying to fit in.
At times, passion has to be coaxed out by unfettered inspirations. Nature teaches us the exercise of faith by bringing us to the edge of death every night, dimming the light to shear nothingness before the promise of a new day dawns. She is illuminating that the path to excellence includes sleeping with our shadows.
“It’s hard.” “I can’t do this.” “I’ve had enough.”
These are the declarations of the darkness—a place void of vision. Most of us sleep right through this. Most of us is really all of us if we regard humanity like the ocean. Some of us are waves that crash on the shore and some are just waves that fold back into themselves.
How many of us feel lost at sea?
How many of us are stretching our arms out and pressing against the resistance in a way that results in a buoyancy—the gesture of swimming. Here now, it’s okay. Most of us sink the first time we get into the murky seas of life. Most of us, much like all of us, can hardly decipher what kind of fish we are because we are all fish in water, beholden to our nature.
Then something happens. It does not matter how old or young you are. It is as if the primordial sludge you began as cannot help but evolve forward. Questions arise. Curiosity peaks. Obsession with creation demands focus. A dizzy feeling of orgasm with no source of defined stimuli begins to sweep through your body.
There it is! Passion.
It has been in you this whole time. Just beyond the edges of your questioning, “Why?” it was there. It was waiting for you to stop worrying about how. It was wondering if you would stop trying to define it. It was yelling at you that this day is not promised, but as long as you wake it will wake with you as if you were the sunrise itself. Because you are. You are the dawn. You are the morning light.
We work so hard in this life to “have” enough and to “be” enough. We break our hearts, our backs and our bodies for it.
How many of us are looking to you to be the one to lead the way?
Go boldly in the direction of your dreams. They have been gifted to you. Each moment is a choice to pay a price for your freedoms. What are you willing to trade?
Passion will never let you down if you are willing to be a worthy partner. It will run with you. It will guide you. It will stir your senses and scare you sh*tless. And at the end of this day’s loving it will tuck you in with this sweet reminder:
You did not come here to be fixed, but to remember that you have never been broken.
Nothing feels more pejorative than being told to forgive yourself when you don’t even know who the hell you are anymore because a lifetime of energy has been invested in defending yourself. You have been strong enough to survive. You have fought the good fight. You have thwarted disappointment and championed justice. You have made the money, paid the bills, and woke up for 5am palates.
Let’s not even mention the narcissists you have had to put up with, your fucked up childhood, the trauma that happened in college, or the years it took and is still taking to realize your dream. Actually, let’s mention that last one. Is there any other point to living than to hold fast to a vision of who you are becoming in every moment?
We all have a purpose and a path to that purpose. It looks and feels different for everyone.
And the common truth for every human is that we all are figuring it out one moment at a time.
We build bridges to our futures by getting married, getting higher education, traveling the world, having children, innovating, and expressing ourselves through the many mediums of art. Conversely, we burn bridges by divorcing, giving up on our dreams, staying in one place for a long time, having and abandoning our children, being ridged, and judging everything that is different as wrong.
Sometimes that path to the bridge is long and winding. Let’s just say it is always long and winding with intermittent moments of magic. That’s life. And the most important bridge we can build is forgiveness.
It is obvious to look outside of ourselves at other humans we can forgive, circumstances we can forgive, or even forgiving our higher power. But, the most profound forgiveness happens between our shadow and our light.
That which you don’t own up to will own your ass. Think of all the things you judge out of your reality. Are you judging men harshly for hurting you? Are you blaming women for the losses in your life? What hurts have turned into judgements? What disappointments have transformed into walls? What is blocking you from really living your destiny?
The obstacle is the path. Sometimes we have to release years of pent up rage and frustration through the cathartic act of burning old love letters, screaming “Fuck you” at the top of our lungs, or finding some safe container—like a therapist’s office or boxing gym—to access our body in a way that hits the reset button.
One of the greatest tools to access forgiveness and to start building the bridge to more possibility is to ask yourself, “What’s not wrong?” There are some lessons that are more difficult to integrate than others like divorce, chronic illness, or rejection. And if you stop to ask, “What’s not wrong?” then the lesson will reveal itself in its purest form. Often times the strength to emerge as more of who you really are takes being broken open.
Forgiveness is an inside job. It takes resources such as faith, community, willingness, and acceptance to take what was broken, and rather than glue it back together, expand the space by bridging the broken pieces.
Every place there is resistance is an invitation for forgiveness. Every person you dislike is provoking you to forgive. Every stress that arises from the feeling of not having or being enough is stressing the importance of forgiveness. Every time you want to shut down and hide is the time to begin to build your bridge.
Now is always the best time to forgive.
I could actually title this, “Dear former twenty-year-old self, ‘Keep a dime between your knees unless he pays one-hundred (I mean one-hundred-million)’.” At some point I would venture to say that most women think, “Fuck it, this is the year I am going to be a stripper” or “I should start being paid for sex.” “There is no reason for me to give this away for free.” But, then there are the sluts.
Sluts give it all away for free. They are the sexual version of a drive-through that is giving out samples.
Sluts have cornered the market on low self-esteem. Being a slut is like Ford Motors in 1919—an assembly line cranking out the same product. The perpetual search for validation through giving up the pussy is how the whole vicious cycle of chronic low self-esteem continues. It’s like the little train that couldn’t get her shit together.
I get it. I did it.
And traditionally, men are lazy. Blame it on the idiot molecule—testosterone. I’ve heard it said that testosterone blocks short-term memory. So, the small brain—or penis—is backup. It has only one mission—hot pocket.
And I get that without a shit-ton of alcohol, peer-pressure, and drugs most women wouldn’t choose to slut-out as her first option. But, affection has become a commodity synonymous with penetration. The lazy-dick-male whose brain is being washed in the idiot molecule acts on instinct. One instinct begets another and poof—two sluts are formed.
Being a slut is not owning your sexuality by the way. It’s being an emotionally irresponsible retard.
Women, you are born with the gate to heaven between your legs. And not everyone gets into heaven. In fact, if you let everyone knock or knock-up heaven’s door, there will be hell to pay.
We literally have to train the penis to ignite the big brain into action. The first step is to make sure the man is buying his stairway to heaven—with time, not money.
Men are not dumb. They know how to take action. It is the primary characteristic of masculine energy—charge ahead and think about it later. So, the price of admission includes the initiation of a sequence I like to call “Have some balls.”
Somewhere on the internet exists a gentleman’s code. One of the dictates reads, “A gentleman can wait for a lady.” Sluts don’t wait and this is ruining romance. Plus, now everyone has some form of an STD but sluts don’t talk about it. This is also fucking things up.
So, dear slut—please wait. I know that our bodies freak out when we are young and that some slutting will have to be done. But, once you are done with slutting around—your late twenties—lock up the goods. Hopefully, your first divorce will be behind you if you got married “way too early.” Your string of bad decisions will be the Instagram account you delete and then start a new one.
And you get to start over. It’s called evolution. At some point, you will feel like a bad-ass because you got an education, landed a great job or started your own company, traveled, struggled and overcame, and upped your self-esteem to “unfuckable with.”
Of course, you are totally still fuckable. Duh.
So, everyone, stop the train-wreck that is hooking-up. Let’s be the generation that ushers romance back in. We can all champion seduction, which is a slow and deliberate process.
Sip cocktails rather than guzzle Miller High-Life. Be picked up for a date—because we have already done a background check via some light Facebook recon. We can call more and text less. We can find time to invest in learning to play with each other instead of dumping the worn out script of holding the other person responsible for our happiness onto one another.
In fact, we can invent our version of romance.
I know this for sure, it does not involve being a slut. So, stop already.
This reformed slut.
You are going to want to take notes because this is about to be a dissertation on the fundamentals of romantic relationships from the perspective of me—a psychic relationship specialist.
First, I feel like such an asshole throwing out that title because being a relationship specialist does not mean being perfect. So, now that we got that straight, let’s get to the dirty little secret.
This is a two-part deal (AKA two-fur). The first part of the secret is that if you get into a relationship you will get an STD—spiritually transmitted disease. It is next to impossible, let’s just say impossible, to be in a relationship and remain unadulterated. The universe is one giant vibrator. Everything is made of frequency. The miracle of the human body is that it is an instrument that can tune to a variety of frequencies.
Peace is the highest vibration with love as a close second. When two people fall in love they fall out of peace because there harmonic is predicated on the common but hardly acknowledged point of view that you have to give up your choices in order to “have” a relationship.
How often have you heard it said, “Relationship is a sacrifice?” There is a psychological rule book that consists of cultural norms. It sounds like, “Don’t worry you will find a good man.” “So who are you dating?” “Now that you are engaged, when is the wedding?” “Now that you are married, are you going to have kids?” “Now that you have your first kid, are you going to have more?” “Now that you have a job are you planning for retirement, buying a home, getting a hybrid, or planning for the future?”
These questions are the vehicles that transmit STD’s because rather than truly relate to the essence of your partner and rather than be patient with the pace of their evolution, we try to make it into something else. We decide ahead of time that our happiness is predicated on an outcome. This thought pattern is how the disease spreads.
The relationship then becomes a vehicle that traverses the course of unconscious compulsions. It is only after two people have hurt each other beyond repair that the light breaks through. A broken heart is the result of light pushing through the shadow. Most of us need to be broken open. It is a place of grace where the blind begin to see.
The second part of the secret is that we have all settled for this kind of relationship and in doing so have come to HATE relationships. But, we lie to ourselves about that. We make the best of a bad thing. In fact, many of us go beyond that and start coveting the status of “in a couple” just like an addict who fiends for his next fix. The STD then becomes fixated through the common syncopated energy of, “If they would only change then I could be happy.” This can also sound like, “I’m not good enough and I need to change my external reality to be worthy of love.” Hence, plastic surgery, lip augmentation, fake boobs, Viagra, and chronic cleanses.
So, in case you don’t quite get it, the secret is that we are perpetuating pain through lying to ourselves about how to get what we think we want.
You are not here on earth to be fulfilled but rather to fulfill a purpose. In other words, life is not just about being blissed out. As far as I can tell, the treatment for relational and emotional STD’s is waking up.
Let there be no pretention or pretending in this process. I hear the voices of thought leaders telling everyone what to do, hosting courses on how to be happy, and essentially selling people back to themselves.
You are sovereign. It brings me to tears to say that so clearly. Your worth and authority are as fragile as what you think about them. The invitation stands to do relationship differently and heal the collective STD’s of anxiety, depression, co-dependence, self-flagellation, and the evisceration of personal power in service of creating something that is degrading instead of inspiring.
We all have to learn what not to do first. So, be merciful with yourself. It takes years of practice to master life.
Simply, relationships are an alchemical process where two people come together and create something new. If the thing that is created continues to support the long and arduous process of self-realization, then it is worth engaging in. But, if you feel like shit about yourself because of your relationship, then, chances are you are riddled with STD’s and the only cure, in this moment, is to choose something different—break your heart open.
In closing, true love is our birthright. Well-being is a journey. And owning our choices cures our collective STD’s.