The fields of our lovemaking have yet to be harvested. I planted plenty of seeds, and seeds have been planted in me.
But none have borne fruit that ripened; rather, they have rotted inside a chasm called desire.
This has shown up in my every attempt at a relationship because, I suspect, my heart knew it was not you. You would never ask me to live in a moldy basement, to be shackled by debt because you lack vision, and you would never ask me to surrender the parts of me that make me whole.
I am and have always been whole. I am built this way.
But the men I’ve been with picked me apart like crows feasting on a carcass. I was a threat. We briefly weaved our lives together like a revolutionary flag to be burned by the very revolution it represented.
Some compare the feeling of loss after a shoddy lover leaves to a heart breaking. My heart has never broken fully. It just opened a little more to create room for you. But, the scars are there—burn marks from lovers who lied, for whom I overcompensated.
And I’ve often wondered why you haven’t done what was needed to find me sooner.
Where are you? Are you on a grand adventure? What preparations must be met for our meeting to coalesce? Don’t you want to have sex every day?
I’ve been told not to beg for you. I’ve been told prayers of beseechment are futile. And I must confess, I’m not doing a very good job of holding space for you. My mind gets cluttered with expectations of others and is in constant atonement when the man I meet isn’t you.
I’ve seen myself in the women who are past the time allotted to have a child. I’ve seen the question marks of failure on women’s faces that point to having to wait too long for a wish to be granted. Today, I feel like those women. The only distinction is my beliefs.
I believe if I ask for what I truly want, then I will experience it. So, I’m asking.
Lover of mine, find me. Don’t wait a moment longer. Come create with me. Let’s elevate our minds and our lives together. I’m exhausted from dumbing myself down so other men can catch up. Let’s hit the ground running. More than this, let’s wake up every day and choose each other.
I have created my life to be an invitation to those who want to peer into existence and see that they are the great and mighty Oz. I wish I could hear you calling to me, because I can’t stand all that is getting lost in translation.
I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of love being confused as a lesson. I’m tired of sex being an afterthought. I’m noticing a trend. I’m not sleeping beauty, though.
So my prayer is this: “Let’s wake up together.”
Come get me.
In America, we are raised on romance—the notion that there is a perfect “forever” for us.
Of course, this is a template that has been handed down through generations of traditions, stipulations, and dictations. A lot of us think that being in a relationship will elevate our status. If we date someone with money, who is hot, who has connections, who can support our dreams, or who, at the very least, will sooth loneliness, then we can feel good about our lives.
But, what happens when we get into a relationship that breaks us down instead of builds us up?
An event called cognitive dissonance, which is when our external reality does not match the internal imagery of who we think we are, can lead to us confusing love with abusive or demeaning behaviors from our partners. Furthermore, our internal world acts as a filter to external input. So, we often cannot see the subtle degradations that chip away at our well-being.
We will often choose oppression and suppression over separation from our investment. And, that’s what a relationship is—an investment of time, energy, and resources.
Things are even more complicated when we are married to dysfunction—that is to say, that the contribution of both parties involved in creating the relationship are infusing it with distorted communication. This results in a toxic, yet often addictive, environment.
It can feel like a cage. It can undermine self-esteem. We can be aware of the discomfort, but at a total loss on how to shift it. In fact, we can keep making choices that reinforce our perception of being trapped.
Some of us attempt leaving the situation only to be pulled back in. Some of us wall off and withdraw from our significant other as a form of punishment. Some of us try to change who we are so we can manipulate our partner. At times we are aware of how we are contributing to the chaos. But, most of the time we are reactionary, which is born from our survival instincts.
When life is constructed from the energy of survival our choices become limited to fight, flight, freeze, or using sex as a means of control. Relationships are formed by two people contributing to a third entity. It becomes the vehicle that both sets the trajectory for each person, and helps to map out how each person is to behave in order to keep the wheels from falling off.
In an almost automatic fashion, when troubles arise, one person may want to veer off the road, while the other one wants to push harder on the accelerator. Each person has a choice to approach or avoid the conflict that shows up by virtue of habits, belief systems, and systemic issues. Suffice to say, we often cling the tightest to the thing we need to let go of the most.
Ironically, the action we need to take may be the last thing we perceive as accessible.
If you want to experience freedom then the right thing to do is break up. Actually, it isn’t even the right thing to do, it will inevitably be the next thing that happens because the soul is not meant to be confined.
Our birthright is to live an expressed life. We are the keepers of our fate and the arbiters of our destiny. Relationships have many functions. They can be a classroom and teach us. They can be a museum and help us archive memories. They can be a theme park and thrill us. They can be a spiritual journey and elevate our consciousness. But, rarely, are they meant to be a prescription to quell the persecution inflicted by life’s challenges.
Furthermore, although it is touted as such, self-love is also not a prescription to living a happy life. So often we search for reconciliation of our discomfort through intellectual means. We seek to explain away pain and to justify our folly. But, none of this is necessary. Freedom is immediately accessible if you are willing to let go.
The mistake we make when approaching breakup from frenetic emotions or analysis is to believe we have failed in some way. This is simply not true. Freedom comes when you remember you have, and always have had, a choice in the matter.
Living life as if it should have a defined outcome will ruin it. Don’t plan on forever with someone. Plan on spending your life having experiences that enrich your awareness of who you are and how you can use that to live your purpose.
Loving yourself simply means coming to full acceptance that you will be in a relationship with yourself for as long as your body lingers on this earth.
So, don’t think too hard on whether you can save your relationship or not. If you are asking that question, the answer is “No.”
Release it. Let go. Experience freedom and breakup.
The grand continent of North America is filled with lone wolves.
Life delegates the business of creation to them, and they diligently leverage their surroundings for survival. The full moon represents the richness of emotion that the wolf pack of one feels.
Where the “lions” of the world feel pride, the lone wolf can only release the tenderness of loneliness through a howl—a long drawn out moan that often comes as no more than a sigh once the dawn breaks.
I understand this all too well, because I am a lone wolf who often wakes up lonely. It’s as if dawn’s break has stopped being a promise for a new day and has become more of a reminder that I bear the responsibilities of life in seclusion.
As a lone wolf, I will share this sentiment with others, but someone who isn’t a wolf will often offer the “solution” of “enjoy being alone.”
Being a wolf holds a special kind of meaning in Native American culture. According to my Spirit Animal Totem Tarot card deck, wolf means intelligence and keen instinct, and wolf is challenged by distrust in self and others. The companion book to my Spirit Animal deck goes on to say, “The wolf is the pathfinder, the forerunner of new ideas who returns to the clan to teach and share medicine.”
So, the first way to cope with being lonely is to view ourself as a wolf. In those moments of solitude, we’re collecting wisdom and medicine to share with the tribe. It has been said that, “Many hands make light work.” And that work gets initiated by the wolves of the world. The ones who learn to clear the clutter so that they can listen to Spirit and trust their guidance. Some call this instinct.
And if we are a lone wolf, the second way to cope is to trust that our instinct has kept us safe thus far—and that it will lead us home. We spend a lot of time making ourselves wrong for who we are. A wolf knows he is not a bear, a bunny or a hawk. Each animal plays its role in the world.
We are lonely. We can cope with it by owning who we are, where we are.
We can always create something different. Wolf packs are known to roam hundreds of miles. If we don’t like where we live, the job we have, the people we associate with, then we can pick somewhere else to be. “Wherever you go, there you are,” so the first place we need to choose to be is in a new belief system.
Loneliness is a judgement against the circumstances we chose long ago. It’s like buying something on credit and then having to pay it off later. So, like a wolf would do, we hunt and gather resources and pay what we can now. We eat what we hunted and if we have no food we hunt for more.
Loneliness is often coupled with entitled feelings like, “I shouldn’t have to hunt; I should just get what I want because I want it.”
All animals have to hunt.
So why are some animals at the top of the food chain while others have to scavenge?
Ask. Prayer and asking questions are the two most effective ways to cope with waking up lonely. Howl your anguish. Ask “Why?” Ask “How?” Ask “What will it take for me to fulfill my destiny?” Then pray prayers of thanks. Our giving of gratitude opens the doors of receiving in our hearts.
As you pray, set time aside to light candles and hold ceremony in your home or find a place in nature that you can be held by Father Sky and Mother Earth. All the creepy crawly things are your friends. Know that you are a vestal for Creator to be expressed. Your loneliness is signaling the need for a conversation. And prayer is that conversation.
If you don’t know how to pray, then simply journal your thoughts or take a moment to meditate.
Then stand at the precipice of the edge of your creations, gaze over the expanse with your keen eyesight, and envision that which you seek is seeking you. When you howl, you send a signal to your great love, to the experiences you are longing for, and to your great fortune to know where you are in the world. So lift your head, puff your chest, and howl.
Release loneliness and send the signal, “I’m here.”
Then trust your pack is coming for you!
What if each day of life only required one thing of us—to love it more than the last?
Worries would dissolve with the dawn. The hours of fretting would pass into a time that only children could recall in stories—tales of heroes, villains and well-worn aphorisms.
The taste of victory would linger, for on this day the exuberant acceptance of all that is bevels the edges of ambition just enough to allow for just a little more expansion.
How many of us live with such passion?
Without this kind of loving our days create vapid chasms. We supplant the invocation of our real selves with stuff, things and substances. The layers of addiction range from subtle to grotesque. In the absence of this kind of love, this kindness and graceful disposition, life becomes something to carve out. It scrapes our insides into caverns where no light shines besides the dimly lit intellect—the intersection of folly and hubris.
How many of us live lives of quiet desperation?
Some will try to build a bridge between their vapid existence and unrealized passion using bricks of comparison. This is hardly a bridge, but more of a disheveled pile—a weight. You see, passion is like the blue sky frosted with wispy clouds. It is like a bird who pecks away at a dead carcass in a busy intersection—a movement just before a car speeds by, the gesture of flapping its wings miraculously lifting it from earth to sky. Calamity is evaded.
Passion can wait until the last second to signal to its host, “It is time for action.” It can lay dormant for years under the weight of trying to fit in.
At times, passion has to be coaxed out by unfettered inspirations. Nature teaches us the exercise of faith by bringing us to the edge of death every night, dimming the light to shear nothingness before the promise of a new day dawns. She is illuminating that the path to excellence includes sleeping with our shadows.
“It’s hard.” “I can’t do this.” “I’ve had enough.”
These are the declarations of the darkness—a place void of vision. Most of us sleep right through this. Most of us is really all of us if we regard humanity like the ocean. Some of us are waves that crash on the shore and some are just waves that fold back into themselves.
How many of us feel lost at sea?
How many of us are stretching our arms out and pressing against the resistance in a way that results in a buoyancy—the gesture of swimming. Here now, it’s okay. Most of us sink the first time we get into the murky seas of life. Most of us, much like all of us, can hardly decipher what kind of fish we are because we are all fish in water, beholden to our nature.
Then something happens. It does not matter how old or young you are. It is as if the primordial sludge you began as cannot help but evolve forward. Questions arise. Curiosity peaks. Obsession with creation demands focus. A dizzy feeling of orgasm with no source of defined stimuli begins to sweep through your body.
There it is! Passion.
It has been in you this whole time. Just beyond the edges of your questioning, “Why?” it was there. It was waiting for you to stop worrying about how. It was wondering if you would stop trying to define it. It was yelling at you that this day is not promised, but as long as you wake it will wake with you as if you were the sunrise itself. Because you are. You are the dawn. You are the morning light.
We work so hard in this life to “have” enough and to “be” enough. We break our hearts, our backs and our bodies for it.
How many of us are looking to you to be the one to lead the way?
Go boldly in the direction of your dreams. They have been gifted to you. Each moment is a choice to pay a price for your freedoms. What are you willing to trade?
Passion will never let you down if you are willing to be a worthy partner. It will run with you. It will guide you. It will stir your senses and scare you sh*tless. And at the end of this day’s loving it will tuck you in with this sweet reminder:
You did not come here to be fixed, but to remember that you have never been broken.
Nothing feels more pejorative than being told to forgive yourself when you don’t even know who the hell you are anymore because a lifetime of energy has been invested in defending yourself. You have been strong enough to survive. You have fought the good fight. You have thwarted disappointment and championed justice. You have made the money, paid the bills, and woke up for 5am palates.
Let’s not even mention the narcissists you have had to put up with, your fucked up childhood, the trauma that happened in college, or the years it took and is still taking to realize your dream. Actually, let’s mention that last one. Is there any other point to living than to hold fast to a vision of who you are becoming in every moment?
We all have a purpose and a path to that purpose. It looks and feels different for everyone.
And the common truth for every human is that we all are figuring it out one moment at a time.
We build bridges to our futures by getting married, getting higher education, traveling the world, having children, innovating, and expressing ourselves through the many mediums of art. Conversely, we burn bridges by divorcing, giving up on our dreams, staying in one place for a long time, having and abandoning our children, being ridged, and judging everything that is different as wrong.
Sometimes that path to the bridge is long and winding. Let’s just say it is always long and winding with intermittent moments of magic. That’s life. And the most important bridge we can build is forgiveness.
It is obvious to look outside of ourselves at other humans we can forgive, circumstances we can forgive, or even forgiving our higher power. But, the most profound forgiveness happens between our shadow and our light.
That which you don’t own up to will own your ass. Think of all the things you judge out of your reality. Are you judging men harshly for hurting you? Are you blaming women for the losses in your life? What hurts have turned into judgements? What disappointments have transformed into walls? What is blocking you from really living your destiny?
The obstacle is the path. Sometimes we have to release years of pent up rage and frustration through the cathartic act of burning old love letters, screaming “Fuck you” at the top of our lungs, or finding some safe container—like a therapist’s office or boxing gym—to access our body in a way that hits the reset button.
One of the greatest tools to access forgiveness and to start building the bridge to more possibility is to ask yourself, “What’s not wrong?” There are some lessons that are more difficult to integrate than others like divorce, chronic illness, or rejection. And if you stop to ask, “What’s not wrong?” then the lesson will reveal itself in its purest form. Often times the strength to emerge as more of who you really are takes being broken open.
Forgiveness is an inside job. It takes resources such as faith, community, willingness, and acceptance to take what was broken, and rather than glue it back together, expand the space by bridging the broken pieces.
Every place there is resistance is an invitation for forgiveness. Every person you dislike is provoking you to forgive. Every stress that arises from the feeling of not having or being enough is stressing the importance of forgiveness. Every time you want to shut down and hide is the time to begin to build your bridge.
Now is always the best time to forgive.
I could actually title this, “Dear former twenty-year-old self, ‘Keep a dime between your knees unless he pays one-hundred (I mean one-hundred-million)’.” At some point I would venture to say that most women think, “Fuck it, this is the year I am going to be a stripper” or “I should start being paid for sex.” “There is no reason for me to give this away for free.” But, then there are the sluts.
Sluts give it all away for free. They are the sexual version of a drive-through that is giving out samples.
Sluts have cornered the market on low self-esteem. Being a slut is like Ford Motors in 1919—an assembly line cranking out the same product. The perpetual search for validation through giving up the pussy is how the whole vicious cycle of chronic low self-esteem continues. It’s like the little train that couldn’t get her shit together.
I get it. I did it.
And traditionally, men are lazy. Blame it on the idiot molecule—testosterone. I’ve heard it said that testosterone blocks short-term memory. So, the small brain—or penis—is backup. It has only one mission—hot pocket.
And I get that without a shit-ton of alcohol, peer-pressure, and drugs most women wouldn’t choose to slut-out as her first option. But, affection has become a commodity synonymous with penetration. The lazy-dick-male whose brain is being washed in the idiot molecule acts on instinct. One instinct begets another and poof—two sluts are formed.
Being a slut is not owning your sexuality by the way. It’s being an emotionally irresponsible retard.
Women, you are born with the gate to heaven between your legs. And not everyone gets into heaven. In fact, if you let everyone knock or knock-up heaven’s door, there will be hell to pay.
We literally have to train the penis to ignite the big brain into action. The first step is to make sure the man is buying his stairway to heaven—with time, not money.
Men are not dumb. They know how to take action. It is the primary characteristic of masculine energy—charge ahead and think about it later. So, the price of admission includes the initiation of a sequence I like to call “Have some balls.”
Somewhere on the internet exists a gentleman’s code. One of the dictates reads, “A gentleman can wait for a lady.” Sluts don’t wait and this is ruining romance. Plus, now everyone has some form of an STD but sluts don’t talk about it. This is also fucking things up.
So, dear slut—please wait. I know that our bodies freak out when we are young and that some slutting will have to be done. But, once you are done with slutting around—your late twenties—lock up the goods. Hopefully, your first divorce will be behind you if you got married “way too early.” Your string of bad decisions will be the Instagram account you delete and then start a new one.
And you get to start over. It’s called evolution. At some point, you will feel like a bad-ass because you got an education, landed a great job or started your own company, traveled, struggled and overcame, and upped your self-esteem to “unfuckable with.”
Of course, you are totally still fuckable. Duh.
So, everyone, stop the train-wreck that is hooking-up. Let’s be the generation that ushers romance back in. We can all champion seduction, which is a slow and deliberate process.
Sip cocktails rather than guzzle Miller High-Life. Be picked up for a date—because we have already done a background check via some light Facebook recon. We can call more and text less. We can find time to invest in learning to play with each other instead of dumping the worn out script of holding the other person responsible for our happiness onto one another.
In fact, we can invent our version of romance.
I know this for sure, it does not involve being a slut. So, stop already.
This reformed slut.
You are going to want to take notes because this is about to be a dissertation on the fundamentals of romantic relationships from the perspective of me—a psychic relationship specialist.
First, I feel like such an asshole throwing out that title because being a relationship specialist does not mean being perfect. So, now that we got that straight, let’s get to the dirty little secret.
This is a two-part deal (AKA two-fur). The first part of the secret is that if you get into a relationship you will get an STD—spiritually transmitted disease. It is next to impossible, let’s just say impossible, to be in a relationship and remain unadulterated. The universe is one giant vibrator. Everything is made of frequency. The miracle of the human body is that it is an instrument that can tune to a variety of frequencies.
Peace is the highest vibration with love as a close second. When two people fall in love they fall out of peace because there harmonic is predicated on the common but hardly acknowledged point of view that you have to give up your choices in order to “have” a relationship.
How often have you heard it said, “Relationship is a sacrifice?” There is a psychological rule book that consists of cultural norms. It sounds like, “Don’t worry you will find a good man.” “So who are you dating?” “Now that you are engaged, when is the wedding?” “Now that you are married, are you going to have kids?” “Now that you have your first kid, are you going to have more?” “Now that you have a job are you planning for retirement, buying a home, getting a hybrid, or planning for the future?”
These questions are the vehicles that transmit STD’s because rather than truly relate to the essence of your partner and rather than be patient with the pace of their evolution, we try to make it into something else. We decide ahead of time that our happiness is predicated on an outcome. This thought pattern is how the disease spreads.
The relationship then becomes a vehicle that traverses the course of unconscious compulsions. It is only after two people have hurt each other beyond repair that the light breaks through. A broken heart is the result of light pushing through the shadow. Most of us need to be broken open. It is a place of grace where the blind begin to see.
The second part of the secret is that we have all settled for this kind of relationship and in doing so have come to HATE relationships. But, we lie to ourselves about that. We make the best of a bad thing. In fact, many of us go beyond that and start coveting the status of “in a couple” just like an addict who fiends for his next fix. The STD then becomes fixated through the common syncopated energy of, “If they would only change then I could be happy.” This can also sound like, “I’m not good enough and I need to change my external reality to be worthy of love.” Hence, plastic surgery, lip augmentation, fake boobs, Viagra, and chronic cleanses.
So, in case you don’t quite get it, the secret is that we are perpetuating pain through lying to ourselves about how to get what we think we want.
You are not here on earth to be fulfilled but rather to fulfill a purpose. In other words, life is not just about being blissed out. As far as I can tell, the treatment for relational and emotional STD’s is waking up.
Let there be no pretention or pretending in this process. I hear the voices of thought leaders telling everyone what to do, hosting courses on how to be happy, and essentially selling people back to themselves.
You are sovereign. It brings me to tears to say that so clearly. Your worth and authority are as fragile as what you think about them. The invitation stands to do relationship differently and heal the collective STD’s of anxiety, depression, co-dependence, self-flagellation, and the evisceration of personal power in service of creating something that is degrading instead of inspiring.
We all have to learn what not to do first. So, be merciful with yourself. It takes years of practice to master life.
Simply, relationships are an alchemical process where two people come together and create something new. If the thing that is created continues to support the long and arduous process of self-realization, then it is worth engaging in. But, if you feel like shit about yourself because of your relationship, then, chances are you are riddled with STD’s and the only cure, in this moment, is to choose something different—break your heart open.
In closing, true love is our birthright. Well-being is a journey. And owning our choices cures our collective STD’s.
“I can’t even.” This phrase is often uttered after being the recipient of bad behavior or witnessing someone do something so stupid that it merits this kind of disgusted aphorism. Bad behavior and the elaborate dismissal of it has become a dominate force in current culture.
How often have you thought to yourself, “How hard is it to send a text?” Or how often have you been guilty of vomiting emotions, that were better expressed in a one on one format, into a lengthy text? Or have you let the subtle yet unintelligible emotion of embarrassment turn into a limp justification for ghosting someone? These and other behaviors like them are adolescent at best, indications of major character defects and reflect the lack of the ability to be emotionally responsible.
This being said, setting healthy boundaries is an art form. Anyone can throw shade or wall off their emotions to create the illusion of being powerful or unaffected by the opinions of others. The majority of bad and disrespectful behaviors are rooted in perpetuating the need to feel or appear as special. The exterior does not match the interior in that people play games to prove something that doesn’t need proving if they just knew this one thing—we are all in this together.
I might be different than you but that doesn’t mean I have to be separate from you. Culturally speaking, American is a Guilt based culture while Japanese culture or collectivist cultures are shame based. This simply translates as the difference between being motivated by internal pressures verses external pressures.
As an American, achievement and individualism reigns supreme, which results in engaging in competition over collaboration. Collectivist cultures emphasize not bringing shame to the family and maintaining honor.
The point is the old generation is supposed to teach the new generation how to be decent human beings.
I’m going on record as one of the old people who talk about the younger generation as if they were retarded amoebas who have no respect for tradition and who are ruining the world one snapchat at a time. Seriously though, how did a social media app that was meant for dick-pics and kid-porn become so popular?
And on a more personal level, I was just reminded by one of these emotional retards that I was amazing and that “He wanted a romantic relationship but just not with me”, which was fine to state as a fact the first time. But, then was followed up with an insulting PSA, “We are not dating”, after seeing one of my Instagram posts talking about what I wanted in a man. What an arrogant dick!
So, by sharing this, I am demonstrating one of the first, yet tried and true, disrespectful behaviors—passive aggressiveness.
So, since there is not a definitive list of what is douche-bag/out-of-bounds/disrespectful behavior and in-bounds/respectful behavior, let this stand as the list.
Passive aggressive “Did you notice that I blocked you on Facebook?”
Passive aggressive behavior is the opposite of being able to own your shit. When you are passive aggressive you come from an ego place that tries to make sure everyone one knows how special you are for being offended but no one gets to know why. The world of social media has become the platform for passive aggressive communication with blocks, likes, dislikes, side-comments, friending an ex’s friends, Facebook stalking, and going as far as cyber-bullying.
Radical Honesty: Is it true, necessary, and kind.
The opposite of this behavior is simple in that it involves telling the truth to a person over the phone or one on one. It is about being able to recognize an emotion but not esteem that emotion as better or worse than any other feeling—especially someone else’s feelings or experience. The delineating line between disrespect and respect is having the skill to clearly and courageously communicate your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a way that creates genuine connection. This is a skill that is acquired over a lifetime in that it needs time to mature. Being the recipient of passive aggressive behavior is one of the greatest ways to learn how to be radically honest because although the ego wants to inflict the same pain and pride wants to win; the heart knows better and seeks the connection that comes from passing thoughts and words through the three gates—is it true, necessary, and kind?
Manipulation: “Babe you are the reason I am happy.”
There are three types of people that show up in our lives: the mirrors, the mentors and the magicians. Manipulators can seem like all three. Manipulation is a form of seduction in that it plays to people’s desires, insecurities and beguiles people into trading their power for a false promise. Manipulators are powerful in that they can make you feel that their issues are your problem to fix therefore representing themselves as mirrors. Most people who manipulate do so because it creates a false sense of power and it can position them as mentors or experts that require adoration for nothing more than their presence. Conversely, there are plenty of people who believe themselves to be victims and these are the true magicians of the crowd in that they exert their deception through the subtle acquisition of sympathy. We, who have allowed ourselves to be manipulated, know these types as players, gamers, playboys, gold-diggers and giant pains in the heart! Of course, there is a remedy.
Integrity: Words and actions align.
We say things we don’t mean. It is called flirtation. But, when the rubber hits the road, things move forward and they don’t stall out. If someone is a person of integrity they will wait to get into bed with you. They will remember that you are not perfect and not shame you for it. They will stand by you and for you. They will make an effort but make it feel effortless. And the reason this person can do all of this is because they know themselves. They have done the hard work of wrestling with their ego. They have faced their shadow time and time again. They are courageous, mindful, and brave. Moreover, you will like who you are around them because they will not only make you want to be another person, they will require it for the sustainability of the relationship.
Flake and Bail: “How hard is it to send a text? Honestly?!”
There a like one-thousand ways to get ahold of a person and only one way to actually connect with them. So, why is it so hard to make a connection? It is because there is like one-thousand or more options at any time, which creates FOMO or a YOLO that results in flaking out. Plus since everyone works from home, no one plans anything until the last minute. That’s not true…or is it? I don’t know. “Let’s just talk later and see how I am feeling.” Flake.
Show up: “I’m here. I love you. I’m here”.
Things happen. But nothing just happens. Decisions predicate outcomes. I decide who and how I want to be. I decide how I want to be treated. I set the standards of which I live my life by. I keep my eye on the prize. I champion my inner child so she knows she will never be abandon. I keep the Will of God as my rod and staff. I know my supply comes from being still and knowing I am God. I stand in the gap of the unknown. I surrender all. I show up for my life. And the fact is, no one else is going to do it for you. Get that. No one will treat you with respect until you grow into a place where you can command respect rather than demand it. No one—not your mama, your papa, your family, your friends, your boss, your lover, your husband, your wife, your dog, your cat, or the god in which you give your life to—is going to give you more respect than you give yourself.
The lesson is simple and constant—love yourself. All disrespectful behavior comes from the journey we all take to grow into our worth. We cannot know the mountain top when our mind is in the valley. We cannot allow light in our lives if we remain comfortable in darkness. We cannot realize our unique life purpose if getting ahead means not leaving the past behind.
You may not get the last word in but you can have the next word. There is no thought or deed more enlightened than letting go and moving forward. Forgive what has offended you. Let go. Forgive the unjust and the unfair for we are all these things. Let go. And come back into this moment. Arrive into the here and now. This is where your power lies. This is the seat of creation.
Know the list. Act right. And then let it all go.
Heard Not Seed Audio
There is a place where hope can no longer summon the dawn. It is dark and bleak—the ending of love. The mystery of imagination, a place that could never be touched, if only for a moment in time—your moment—was brought into being through kisses, intimacy, and lust. It was true and real. It meant something. But, in its departure nothing makes sense especially the things we used to believe in.
And, somehow, life goes on. It hurdles ahead and stands still. Its pace—inconsiderate. The molds of what it was to love hold true to their shape and the search begins to fill them with someone new—someone who will fit.
The irony of these molds is that they are cast-iron cages that require their owners to contort into distorted beings. Faint glimmers of new love or even deep pangs of desire for what was electrify the cycle of survival.
Life doesn’t end here. It just muddles through.
Then time does what was promised. It starts to heal old wounds. It allows enough space for new experiences to germinate new awareness. Then wisdom is born out of what once were shadowy corners and dim-lit caverns.
Life goes on and we start going with it.
The love that used to be the singular reason for hope, joy, and a sense of purpose gets replaced.
New lovers touch you. New meals grace your pallet. New weather patterns drift in and out of your life.
Then, quite by accident, nostalgia consumes the landscape of your mind. You hear a song. You smell his smell. You see the stockings she used to wear. You are transported and compelled to reach out.
It is innocent enough. It is just a “Hello.”
The word itself is innocuous. But, everything that fills the space between the syllables is potent. The bond is once again being acknowledged. The moments that have long since passed are now resurrected.
What’s more is when this gentle nudge opens the flood gates.
When you look back, it seemed clear that it was “over”. A death had occurred, you had mourned, and the remanence were neatly locked in a vault.
But now, a new breath of life is being breathed.
Never in a million years was the decree. And today is the day.
The long-lost has returned.
No amount of manufactured substance could elicit this type of high. The air is thin at the top of the mountain and senses dull.
Yet, the wisdom gained is never too far away.
The true prize of this reunion is not in the living what was again. No, it is a time to open to new clarity and brutal honesty.
Now is your time to distinguish between want and need.
Let life talk to you.
What have you learned in the time apart?
Who are you now that you weren’t back then?
How can you see things differently with the past so vividly manifest in this present moment?
If love was there upon the conception of your origination, then it will be there still. And this does not mean the same contract needs to be drawn.
Let the invitation be open. Savor all you have accomplished. Do not be hasty in your familiarity. You are a new person and the long-lost may be the same as they were. No one can predict the rate of evolution.
This is water passing through your life. At different times it has taken different forms—vapor, ice, ocean, rain, and clouds. Once again, let it take shape.
Don’t strain or rush to lay down borders yet be defined in your approach.
Simply, when the one you loved with all you had comes back into your life, be curious. You could have tried to reach out a thousand times before and failed. But, something about this moment catalyzed the opportunity for a reinvention.
When the long-lost return, it is just another opening to find yourself.
Listen. Your time is precious.
I can’t emphasize this enough. One of the biggest regrets I hear from my clients is, “I wasted time with a person who didn’t really love me.” Time is money, it is energy; it is the place where worry, joy, fear, and existence resides.
I want to save you time. And, in some ways, save your life.
It takes perspective. So, if I may, I am going to divulge what I know from three years of being a relationship counselor and human being. Here goes:
First, you evolve through experience. That is just how life works. So, some thought leaders would purport that “You can’t waste time.” Bull-shit.
There are definitely choices that zig your zag onto the fast-track while others derail you for years at a time. And some people need a lot of time doing the opposite of what is intrinsic to their being. It takes knowing what you don’t want to understand what you do.
The path is always unfolding.
Basically, if you want to get married and have a family, there is no reason to get on Tinder and hookup with someone who, most likely, does not want anything to do with a structured relationship.
Stay on the “hold-out” track rather than the “put-out” track.
And let me be clear, while marriage is no walk in the park, having a partner makes life better.
I’m sure you know this.
Maybe you don’t know that having a partner means being a partner. So, in this respect the only mistakes in life are the ones you don’t learn from. It takes time to become the person you want to be with.
In other words, you can always make a different choice or a series of different choices.
That being said, breakups can often feel like something that happens to you and not from you.
The second thing I know from the conversations I’ve had with countless clients and friends is that it is a son-of-a-bitch accepting that while you may hold the dream of forever in your heart and all that goes with it, the person who was supposed to be “the person” in that long-haul scenario just isn’t.
The experiences you had with “that one” can’t be duplicated or replaced. And, it is also a son-of-a-bitch when you want to keep choosing to be with “that one” and they don’t choose you. The point is, you have a choice.
Keep the dream alive of coming home, building a life, and reciprocal love. Don’t let that dream die because you or the person you were with didn’t have the capacity to hold it and to rock you steady.
Sometimes the most mature thing we can do is admit, “I’m growing in a direction that is contrary to my capacity to negotiate all the sacrifices needed to stay in relationship.”
It is up to you to prioritize the cascade of desires that accompany being alive.
Most often, and especially in this fast-speed western culture, survival gets priority most of the time. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard having the conversation about “needing more money”.
Actually, we need more connection.
Abusive relationships both romantically and in the work-place flourish when the focus is on survival. This energy produces less than enough all the time.
Specific to your breakup, which led you to this article because you are searching the internet for the answer to why you could be so severely rejected, disregarded, and your dreams were just shit upon, there are answers.
If you live, you learn. Some lessons will kick your ass—hardcore. When this happens, you have a choice.
The third thing I know from my human experience is that if something feels “off”, it is.
The biggest gains come right after you cut your losses. It can be difficult to know when to do what. At what point do you go from thinking about something to taking action?
Right now is the time to make different choices. Even more than this, decide.
Decide to give yourself the grace to feel your feelings but don’t let them dictate your behaviors.
Don’t stalk him or her on social media.
Don’t get into another relationship to distract you.
Don’t fuck around with your time.
Do slow down—like, really slow down.
Pour all that pain into being creative. Write, dance, meditate, sleep, eat green, and breathe.
Know this: We are all trying to survive. You are not the only person suffering from confusion. Further, you are not the only person suffering. You are not special in that respect. You can be one of the many people that shines a light into the world therefore illuminating others because you were brave enough to decide to let your light be bigger than your suffering.
So, the break down is this: choose something else. Ask for help instead of using your suffering to make you feel special. Worry is the absence of faith; turn inward. And slow down. Ask questions like, “What else is possible?” “What would it take for me to receive?” “What can I be right now to experience what I am wanting?” Then pause.
Your time is precious. It is up to you to decide how you want to spend it. That’s it.
And I wish you well-being.