Imagination is My Friend.
There it is again. That old crusty bastard I know as desperation. I’m being visited by this energy more frequently as summer slips into fall. Instinctively, my body knows that it wants to be held as the chaos of summer’s frenetic cadence gets traded out for the predictable rituals of children going back to school, Autumn leaves turning warm hues of golden orange and vibrant reds, and pumpkin-spice lattes get reintroduced to a massive fan base of “basic bitches”.
I want a boyfriend.
If I stitched together the 10 “guy friends” I have in my periphery then I’d probably have the perfect man. But, they are all fragmented both in geography and in what forces dominate their personalities. And I’m fond of all of them for different reasons. I’m sure they are fond of me. But, that old crusty bastard I know as desperation reminds me that fondness has not resulted in having a boyfriend that wakes up next to me and greets me with morning sex and commitment.
Actually, I want a husband.
And this is when that old crusty bastard (OCB) I know as desperation really gets under my skin, scratches at my nerves, and plunges me into despair. I’m certain despair and desperation spend the night plotting how they can hijack any good-will I have towards life or men. I’ve found the only way I can muster up any courage to face these hounds is to turn drinking coffee into a ritual. It provides a small reprieve and activates my “reward” systems just enough that I can muster a rebuttal to the relentless assault that OCB and despair hurl at me.
In some ways, these cohorts of distress and me are like an old married couple. We know what the other is going to say.
Oh, I forgot to mention desire. Desire is fickle and tends to be the duplicitous member of the bunch because she teases us all with the idea something good could happen and the notion that it’s not. Bitch.
Just imagine your eyes flickering open in the morning only to see your bed surrounded by familiar assassins who have made you their target and you have the time it takes to make coffee to negotiate with them so that you can live another day. Then desire starts to swing open the double doors of my subconscious like letting frantic doves out of a cage and those awarnesses fly into the meaning making space of my mind, get examined for evidence, only to arrive at the fact that I am fucking single, horny, alone, sad, desperate, dispondant, and no one is here to fuck me open to god--a saying coined by one of my mentors David Deida.
The only solution I can think of is to “find the one.”
Have I mentioned logic yet? She is stoic and examines any solutions I give like a schoolmarm. Further, she slaps a ruler in her hand and looks at OCB, despair, and bunch of bullies in the room, turns her back to them and writes on the chalkboard, “Men ain’t shit.” Logic is also from the inner-city and feels slighted that although she is brilliant, her primary function is babysitting all of my emotions.
All of this transpires within the first hour of the day. If I have something to do that day that requires my focus, this still plays out behind the closed doors of my subconscious.
It would be nice to have someone to talk to who wants to listen. It would be nice to have a partner to pay the bills, go on trips, and navigate the intricacies of life with.
I’m certain, every single person feels this way at some point. They wake up and are too tired from being assaulted by their emotions to masturbate them away. Single touch isn’t the same as being touched by a partner. It doesn’t compare. But, then you have to be mindful of who the fuck is touching you and why.
There needs to be a quality control aspect of dating. I swear to god I need an emotional TSA guard to screen all baggage before I get on board that dick!
I hear the squeaking of chalk as logic underlines, “Men ain’t shit!” And the reason that statement rings true is that somehow trauma and grief got hired on as my TSA agents. They were blind and deaf and were like, “Let him through.” All of those relationships self-destructed in three months or less.
By the time the second hour of the day has passed I’m digging through my “medicine kit.” I’m listening to Ram Das spout some shit about our egos, our karma, and how we are all love. But, I don’t feel that way. I feel lonely as fuck. I feel frozen in my chair sipping lukewarm coffee, and participating in imaginative scenarios where I’m skinny, rich, and somehow impervious to the desire for companionship.
Entering hour three of my day, I’ve probably considered working out but have been too capsized by this emotional onslot to actually move my body in a constructive way. So, then I move into the frantic rhythm of “getting my business off the ground (for the 1000th time)”. I think about all the ways that I can reach people, all the formats I could use to make a difference, and somehow this quasi-benevolent state shuts up OCB.
But, then the fraud department comes bursting in by the time I’m socializing with others. “Scan the content of her statements for validity.” Humor normally keeps them at bay.
And now I really want a husband. I want a fuck’n dad. I want my mom and dad back. I need someone to protect me. I need someone to defend me. I need so much support.
All the layers have been stripped down by one in the afternoon and my inner child is exposed. She is very very upset. Her stomach is grumbling because I forgot to eat anything substantial since all my energy was being poured into survival strategies. She has no structure to grab onto since we are still figuring out how to make it in this world without parents to guide us and money to pay for substitute parents like doctors, therapists, and healers.
We eat together in silence, defeated and aware we should probably know what’s for dinner.
Desire never let up.
The afternoon is turning into evening and she wants to be hanging out with our husband. She wants company. She wants sex. She wants to be praised for what a good job she did. She wants to make dinner and have him do the dishes. She wants, wants, wants.
I’m exhausted at this point.
Sometimes my imagination will try to soothe me. “He’s out there”. She’s been a really good friend all these years. And she’s had her ass kicked by loneliness. I’d say she’s the most resilient partner I have in all of this mess. In return for her kindness, I grab a book or watch a movie so we can escape into a place where desire can’t find us and desperation will retire for the night.
I imagine that as I drift off to sleep imagination sorts through my hopes and dreams to prepare for the inevitable attack that will begin again around 7am. As she sifts through fractured parts of my identity, lessons from grief and loss, the brilliant performances I give as a counselor, and as she digs deep into the treasure trove of my lifetimes as a witch, I dream. I’m removed from the world and she is busy making sure that the world I wake up to will be filled with all the things I’ve not yet been able to experience.
*If this resonated with you and you want help managing your emotions, reach out to me at
303-917-7226. Text "Freedom" to that number and I will get back to you ASAP.
Pricing Freedom: Your path forward.
I have a responsibility to my clients. I owe them quality care, transparency, and exceptional guidance. And I have an even bigger responsibility to my craft. Psychology is a multidisciplinary study that includes aspects of biology, philosophy, world religion, anatomy, physiology, pharmacology, and clinical literacy. Further, psychology has been legislated meaning it has national regulatory boards that qualify practitioners because it is a branch of the medical field.
Millions of hours of research has gone into the theories students of psychology commit to memory. We learn about various aspects of psychology that date back to the early 1900’s and all the successive theories that were born over the last 100 years. Then we go on to learn when, how, and to whom we apply those theories. But, those are only the basics.
For those of us who go on to get our masters in counseling psychology, we explore the interplay of the mind and body that are represented by a variety of behaviors. Those behaviors have been studied and placed into a complex taxonomy that is known as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The symptomatology of a particular disorder is listed and coded with a specific number in The DSM-5. So, a clinical psychologist uses that book to diagnose their clients and apply a modality to “treat” the client.
Again, we are just touching on the surface of what it takes to step into the role of a professional counselor because beyond the general areas of study, there are counselors that choose to specialize in a particular area of psychology such as early childhood behavior, adult development, sexual assault, war veterans, and personality disorders (just to name a few).
So, all of that adds up to about 7 years of a person’s life between undergrad and graduate schooling. Then that graduate goes on to practice in the field for 2 years under supervision as well as takes state and national boards to get a licensure (that just means they retained the information that was on the test and they gained 2000-3000 hours of experience in mental health.)
But, none of that qualifies someone to be a good counselor or therapist. It doesn’t guarantee a person will develop empathy and one’s ability to self-reflect and do their own work. In fact, most counselors are burnt out because they get paid low wages for difficult work, get bogged down in paperwork, and get caught up in insurance company drama.
Most agencies pay counselors around $36,000 and take a percentage of that to supplement that practitioner's benefits.
So a person who is working with people coming off of heroin, who have been raped, who have been abused, who have been trafficked and exploited gets paid a poverty wage with sub-par insurance that has a high deductible
So, think about that. A person spends 10 years of their life building towards a career that pays them not enough to have a comfortable lifestyle. So, the other option is that person goes into private practice and builds a 6 figure business.
But, most of us graduate with 70k in student loans. So now, we have to get our own insurance, we have to pay rent for an office, we need a website and a marketing team to get the word out, we pay to be on list-servers, and we fight like hell to stand out from all the other psychologists that are “here to help”. So, we take side jobs, full-time jobs, and stretch ourselves thin. We risk our mental health to work in mental health.
Some counselors do cocaine to deal. Others hide their addictions. Some of us are jaded and cause more harm than good to the unassuming people who think they got a bargain by using their insurance to hire us for help.
This brings me to why, while I have an extensive background in counseling psychology, biology, and philosophy, and world religions in addition to 10 years experienced with functional medicine, I work as a coach and charge around $300 per 90-minute session. I could get really angry at people who think $300 is a lot of money. But, I don’t fault them. As a middle-class we have been programmed to “look for bargains” and live a bargain basement lifestyle in the process. Even now I’m tempted to justify my prices. But, the reality is that I’m 20 years into my career as a counselor turned coach.
Nothing needs to be justified.
Rather, the perspective shift that needs to happen is asking oneself, “Am I willing to do what it takes to have the lifestyle I want?”
Freedom is something we all want. We want financial freedom. We want personal freedom. We want freedom to express ourselves. We want sexual freedom. We want all aspects of freedom like peace of mind, focus, accomplishment, and much much more. But, most people go to counseling to “fix” a problem like infidelity, heart-break, or a mental health issue. Very few seek to learn the path of freedom; meaning they stop at fixing the problem and never focus on having the lifestyle they want, which is a life of freedom.
If you have read this far, chances are you don’t care about what goes into a person being able to help you and guide you. Very few people actually study the mechanics of a car before buying it. They just want the fucker to run and not cost too much.
But, then there are real car-heads, like myself, who geek out over the aesthetic of the car, the engine, and the origin of the car. So, if you are a person who cares about getting quality care, dare I say luxury care, top-tier, best in the world...you get the idea, then it costs $1500 for 5 sessions to be given the roadmap to living a life of freedom.
Not convinced? Then go to PsychologyToday.com and work with someone else. Otherwise, book your free consultation and LET’S DO THIS!
Bringing Peace to Your Life: Coping with suicide
Suicide is a serious topic. Death is not. Death is something we are all going to experience. According to thermodynamics and the stuff Einstein postulated we are just going to change the form of energy we are in; from tangible to intangible.
Speaking of energy, I’m really tired today. I’m the kind of tired that happens when the caffeine wears off and about 6 months of stress starts to set in. Sometimes I like to call this tailspin tired, because my self-care goes to shit. The time I do spend in bed I feel guilty for because I could be doing something that is advancing my mission of making six-figures and be a global leader. I have to fake caring about humans when I’m this tired.
And that’s pretty much what adulthood is, you are tired and a puppet to various substances to control your mood. Further, as an adult you are tired because the bliss of ignorance and wonderment that came as a buffer to the outerworld in childhood has totally worn off. In fact, many of us are in therapy to deal with the shocking awareness that our childhood was full of abusive or neglectful authority figures.
That’s just the baseline of what we have to negotiate in adulthood. Then add onto it the fact we don’t die in our thirties due to plague anymore. Some of us live into our 80’s. Eighty years of life is long and redundant. And within that timespan some of us start families. Families! The nerve.
Families are like a petri dish for dysfunction. Yet, every day, someone gets pregnant and then attempts to impart sub-par survival skills to their offspring. Then those children grow up and commit suicide; sometimes as young as 8 years old.
There is no one reason why a person takes their own life. However, thematically speaking, despondency or disillusionment are often the underpinning energies that justify the act. It’s a right we are all given once we develop into a place of metacognition--being aware of ourselves. We, at any moment, can bring a halt to our bodies aliveness and choose to die.
Some people get really up in arms about suicide and deem it a sin. I feel neutral about it. In fact, I consider killing myself about once a month for various reasons--mostly because my vision for a better future becomes marred with images of destitution. Sometimes I will feel suicidal because I have to do laundry--again. Other times I will want off this planet because the gap between what I want and getting it seems insurmountable. And then there are those moments where I’ve completely depleted myself by trying to give others what I need in an attempt to experience reciprocity. That cycle is a real black hole.
Thinking about ending your life is natural; even philosophical. However, as a species it seems we share a collective understanding that bringing an intentional end to one’s life violates the laws of nature. We are supposed to let disease take us instead or some other random act of violence that eviscerates us from the face of the planet will be the thing that ends us.
The real intellectual quandary is that sorrow and anger always seems be the experience of those who are in the line of suicide; meaning they are the ones who lost a loved one that died on purpose.
So now, imagine, an adult with all the adult pressures being compounded by the unbearable pain of sorrow and anger. Their mind has to do some form of acrobatics to rectify the injustice that they must go on living while their loved one has simply chosen to exit life. This process of rectification often is experienced as guilt echoed in the phrase, “If only I would have known, I could have done something.”
It’s rare you can convince a person to do anything once they have committed their mind towards something. In this case, most people feel great relief once they have chosen to “end things”. But, then there are those individuals who don’t want to die. They want the experience of death without bringing an end to the life in their body.
Addiction is a type of ambivalent suicide. And I only bring this up to say there are degrees to which we begin to die before we start to truly live. The erosion of the soul happens to be the path to such a life.
So how do we bring peace to our lives in the face of such difficulties?
We let things die like old worn out attachments. We reconcile past hurts. We actively participate in forgiveness. We fully participate in the grief process. We devote ourselves to spiritual practice that reinforces non-judgement. There are so many things that activate peace in our lives. But, for the sake of this conversation let’s elaborate on the items I just listed.
Let Attachments Die
Nature is full of cycles and rhythms. We are not meant to stay children forever. We are not supposed to cling to our youth. Rather, we continue to grow and evolve. But the “stuckness” every life-coach on the face of the earth is working to solve comes from an adaptation to feeling comfortable in “what we know.” The distillation of Buddhist teachings refers to this as grasping. We hold tightly to ideas in a way that defines our limitations. Then we begin to romanticize those limitations as wishes that are on the precipice of being realized if we just give them a little more of our time and life-force energy.
That is the natural way of things. We all must experience seasons of our lives and relationships. We all must embrace winter as a time of internal reflection and spring as a time to weed the garden. So, the first step of bringing peace to your life, especially when if you are in the line of suicide, is to experience it as a season of your life that carries the promise of transformation in it.
Reconcile Past Hurts.
When we focus more on what we gained more than what we lost, reconciliation can begin. I mean, that sentence would make a good meme. But, the reality is we want to lose weight, gain friends, lose pain, and gain pleasure. So loss and gain are relative. So are the things that hurt us because sure as night follows day, when we endeavor to understand why we hurt we not only heal, we become more skilled at existence. We become more nimble and less encumbered by seeking justice for wrongs. Instead, when we reconcile past hurts, it is often through the mechanism of realizing that we have been the recipient of hurt as well as the perpetrator of it. The score card gets thrown away in favor of offering ourselves and others grace.
And when suicide is the source of hurt, it can be reconciled through compassion and recognition that just as there are many ways to live so to are there many ways to die.
Participate in Forgiveness
Forgiveness, like love, is a verb. The essence of it is acceptance that the past is unchangeable but the relationship we have with the past is malleable. In fact, beyond forgiveness is blessing all that was, is, and will be. For all things can be transformed into good.
Devote Ourselves to a Spiritual Process
There is an element of life that defies logic and spirituality resides there. My sense of having a spiritual practice is engaging in being defined by no-thing. There are different pathways such as prayer or meditation that facilitate that experience. But, it has to be intentional. And when we allow ourselves to melt into the universe, some part of us can feel a connection with those that end their lives. We can offer them sacred space within our practice.
Peace is not a static state. Like all of life it ebbs and flows like the tides. Bringing peace to our lives is an active practice. It requires attention and intention. There’s so much more I can say, but I’m tired.
But what I will close this article with is that it’s up to you to live your life above the noise of pressure. It’s up to you to gain the skills to bring peace to your life. It’s up to you to practice forgiveness. And it’s up to you to not let the suicide of someone you love also take your life.
I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.